neurons to word with love

hey wish me!

2012-01-07T11:41:00.000+08:00

hey blog, wish me happiness today.

it's my day to add my number on age column. gergh!

i had the blast already. not expecting more. thankful, really thankful for what i had up till this moment. Thank You God.

anyway, this is the first time i had my birthday outside Borneo. well, bila lagi nak dapat peluang ni. Thanks mum, u're the first to wish and the lovely story of the countdown of my birth. 40 mins conversation with separated-800+miles-family member is really greatest that i had.

Pranks and blast from the housemate, my lovely roomate, Hasyimah just so wonderful. Muchas gracias.

To everyone that wished me..many many thanks, really appreciate that. Keep praying that i'll be a better person.

permintaan untuk tidur dan pesan kecil untuk "keluargaku"

2011-12-10T00:31:00.001+08:00

tidur lena..ku jemput kau datang. please. sayang.

-masih aktif-

kalau dijemput ko segan datang, lantas ku seru oh lena yang panjang!

-masih celik-

ahh.. dihirup barang sesudu dua ubat batuk padahal anak tekaknya walafiat.

oh... sebelum terlupa, notakaki malam ini ;

those nano meter cube tears... i really meant it. "thank you and sorry"..if i missed saying it, then my eyes are portraying it, sincerely!

Ko hado?

2011-11-11T11:11:00.000+08:00

Berdiskusi akademik 11 jam. Ko hado?

Dari lunch kol 12 smpai 11pm dengan bekalan tenaga megi sebungkus dimasak bersama telur. Yaw! This is for the first time in my life, perhaps the last time. 11 jam tu excluded meeting dgn supervisor around sejam. Ya Tuhan...penatnya hari ini hanya Engkau dan badan dan kepala yang tahu.

Kirim kabar dengan merpati. Ko hado?

Terpisah oleh laut cina selatan, menjadikan aku begitu jauh dari pangkuan keluarga. Merpati, asap dan lautan (baling botol) menjadi utusan. Kadang sampai, tapi lambat, kadang-kadang tidak, ye la hanyut dipukul badai tsunami mungkin, taufan Katrina mungkin, tak pun merpati penat mendayung kepak dan jatuh. Ini hiperbola. Sebenarnya aku tak hado pun. Tapi diumpamakan sedemikian lah kejadian hidup ini. Updates dan khabar berita terutamanya yang sangat tidak indah tentang keluarga di seberang sana sangat lah lambat untuk smpai ke pengetahuanku. Ironinya, orang zaman sekarang berebut rebut nak kejar kelajuan, keretapi laju, speed jalur lebar laju, mail laju, pos laju eh..buai laju-laju pun makin laju. Ok, merepek. Pokoknya, mak saya sangat bertentangan dengan itu. Dah lali menjadi orang terakhir atau terlampau lambat untuk tahu berita-berita semasa di rumah, terutamanya kalau ada ahli keluarga yang meninggal. Kalau yang gembira tak pe lah, ini soal jumpa dan tak jumpa lagi, bu, lagi terkilan sebab call ibu dengan kekerapan minimum 2 hari sekali. Penat untuk sedih dan merajuk, lantas alah bisa tegal biasa.

Rindu. Ko hado?

Ya Tuhan..penatnya kebelakangan ini. Ya Tuhan...banyaknya kerja. Sesungguhnya ini bukan semester akhir yang aku angankan. Banyak dilema, banyak cabaran, tapi syukur, aku utuh hingga saat ini. Semua kernaMu. Aku rindu bersekutu di rumahMu, rindu berdiam dirumahMu. Rindu dan mahu, tapi aku percaya kau lebih mengetahui mengapa tidak ku lunaskan rindu ini. Biarlah aku simpan dahulu ketika ini, kerna ku percaya bilangan kali dan total masa di rumahmu bukan hitungan imanku. Terima kasih untuk saat-saat berdiamku yang Kau kunjungi. Suatu hari aku percaya Kau buka kan jalan.

Excellent parenthood. Ko mampu?

All right, soalan ni untuk aku. x sesuai tanya "ko hado?" sebab aku percaya kita punya parent yang terbaik. Aku reminiscing renungan ini sebab kejadian semalam (10.11.11), teman seakademik bergegas pulang meninggalkan kerja yang bertangguh kerna ayahnya tenat. Sebab kesibukan, hati tak berkesempatan berkongsi duka, sampai lah beberapa saat yang lepas. Tapi beliau dalam perjalanan pulang sebab ibunya berkeras mahu dia di institusi. Hebatkan ibu bapa kita, sentiasa memahami dan mengutamakan anak-anak mereka. Seketika, rindu rumah. Banyak ketika, sejujurnya. Teringat dulu ayah admitted hospital 2 minggu. Ibu tak bagi aku pulang sebab musim peperiksaan. Kakak yang ke2 jugak peperiksaan hujung semester. Adik sekolah. Yang ada kakak sulung. Maaf, kalau ayat seterusnya seperti menghakimi tapi itu yang kotak hatiku katakan; 'Sis, kasihmu pada ibu dan ayah tak sedalam cintamu pada orang lain. Padanlah sekarang kau perlakukan orang tua mu sebegitu'. Kakak sulung yang sudah bekerja boleh bercuti, dan dia memang ada balik ke kampung masa ayah admitted, dalam semalam 2,tragisnya sesaat pun dia tak menjenguk ayah di hospital. katanya keluarga mentua banyak urusan, hello anak ibu yang sulung...keluarga mentuamu itu sekampung jauh sangatkah untuk berkunjung, hello anak ayah yang pertama, urusan yang kau kata itu cuma kerna duit semata-mata. Masa itu ibu ulang alik ke rumah dgn kazen dan keluarga saudara yang ambik, antakan makanan, laundry. Ibu xpndai drive, adik masa tu belum ada license. Ibu kecil hati, tapi dia maafkan dikau wahai ka..kak (memanggil dengan reluctant). Biarlah bu, ibu ada anak-anak yang lain. Ayah, ada kami bertiga, walaupun tak pernah terucap tapi rencana kami adik beradik yang bertiga ini membahagiakan ibu dan ayah. Yang ikhlas, anak.

Kenangan cantik di tarikh cantik. Ko hado?

Aku ada. Tapi hari ini, 11-11-11 aku tweeted "beautiful date not promising for a beautiful moment. and worse it's beauty will remain in ur memory but happiness on the day won't last 4eve". maksud aku, nombor yang cantik ini kan senang kita ingat, dan terus kita ingatkan, jadi berpada-padalah mencipta memori pada harinya, kerna memori yang tercipta tak semestinya terus kekal rasanya sebegitu. kalau indah tak semestinya kejadian itu terasa indah selamanya. haha...pengalaman bai..cakap x tipu ni. Well, aku tak kisah dia ingat atau tidak, tapi pada tarikh cantik seangkatan hari ini suatu masa dahulu membahagiakan aku. Jujur, aku punya perasaan yang ikhlas dan tulus. Juga aku yakin aku serious. Cuma sayang.... Dipendekkan cerita, buang yang keruh ambil yang jernih.

P/s: Sila peka dengan tarikh dan masa post :D

silent

2011-10-29T03:45:00.001+08:00

after a good season with lots of writing and posts...and suddenly, it just stopped and idling till this.

anyway, i didn't write cause i have so many things to write.

no worries. i'm fine.

siapa aku?

2011-10-11T20:17:00.000+08:00

ini bukan post promosi diri. ini cerita benar. tiada angin tiada awan turun hujan, kenapa tiba-tiba? mungkin cuaca yg permai petang tadi dan aktiviti jogging membuatkan aku berilham. pembetulan...bukan ilham tetapi mengimbau siapa aku. tibaaaah!

aku yakin aku seorang yang berkisah menarik tetapi tidak cukup cun untuk diwayangkan. haha. bersaiz kecil, itu adjektif mudah untuk aku. sedari lahir. ibu (biasanya aku tidak bahasakan ibuku ibu tetapi mengindahkan bahasa) cakap aku lahir dengan sangat mudah tetapi sebaiklahir dia panik. terlalu kecil anak ini. jari kaki semuanya seni di pandangan. dia lihat macam tidak sempurna tetapi bila dikira cukup saja bilangannya. sepuluh jari sepuluh kaki. doktor kata walau 7 bulan lebih tetapi aku normal. oh syukurlah begitu. dan aku dibawa balik.

membesar di kampung, ibu bekerja sementara ayah ke offshore. dijaga nenek yang sedikit tua. waktu itu aku termasuk sepupu ramai, jadi aku terabai lagi-lagi ibu walaupun anak kandung nenek tetapi telah diangkat orang. ibu sudah yatim piatu dan ayah anak yatim. aku berkawan dengan Yut, nama panggilannya. kami sebaya dan kamceng. 3 tahun kemudian adik muncul. dia lelaki tunggal, ibu mengalami sedikit kompilasi jadi adik disusukan oleh mak cik. jadi aku boleh dikatakan membesar 4 tahun sendiri. bila adik kembali, terasa kemanjaan aku dirampas (dan perasaan ini bertahan bertahun) lagi-lagi adik lelaki tunggal. nenek sangat memanjakan dia. ibu pun tak boleh jentik dia sikit. kakak-kakak yang tua 7 dan 10 tahun daripada aku jauh matang dan aku terus ditinggalkan. ibu sibuk bekerja dan mengurus rumah tangga. seorang diri. bertahun. ayah berbulan-bulan baru balik.

masuk sekolah. aku teruja. ayah dah daftarkan di tadika. tiba-tiba ada masalah, mungkin issue diskriminasi. well i hate to talk about that. sebab teruja sangat aku belajar berhenti menyusu botol. tetapi penghujung cerita aku tidak masuk tadika. tahun depannya untuk prasekolah. aku pula yang tidak mahu. demam-rumah. akhirnya tahun 1 aku masuk sekolah jugak. oh banyak ceriteranya. mungkin lain kali. walaupun terus melompat tahun 1 aku yang mulanya masuk kelas 1B untuk budak-budak tiada asas sekolah telah ditelah dipindahkan ke kelas 1A untuk kelas budak-budak celik huruf sedikit. puluhan pelajar di situ, ujian pertama aku kedudukan 12. not bad huh. sebenarnya aku dididik ibu di rumah. zaman sekolah rendah, kedudukan aku dalam kelas sentiasa menaik, tidak pernah turun seperti skrg. haha. dari 12 pergi ke 4 kemudian 3 2 dan 1 bermula dari tahun 3sehingga tahun 6. oh ya aku sekolah di sekolah mubaligh yang diambil oleh kerajaan semasa di darjah 5 (2000).

sekolah menengah aku berpindah ke kuching. 5 tahun tinggal di asrama kolej abdillah. tetapi itu tidak mengajar aku berdikari. jujur. pelajar-pelajar asrama memang kenal dgn kakak aku yang sentiasa dtg malam-malam menghantar makanan, sebab aku memilih makanan..terukkn? dan laundry aku jugak. locker aku sentiasa penuh dengan makanan. tetapi aku tidak besar-besar. sebabnya aku aktif. aktif dan nakal menjadi-jadi. tingkatan 3 ayah pernah kena panggil sebab disiplin aku teruk dan tingkatan 5 walaupun pengawas tetapi pernah dibawa ke bilik pengetua dek masalah disiplin. hehe. nakal aku nakal berpada juga la, tidaklah sampai membakar sekolah. cuma aku aktif, lincah mungkin lebih tepat. tetapi suka melakukan sesuatu mengikut perasaan. pernah junior komen dekat ibu yang aku perfectionist. oh yeke?

seterusnya masuk uni. mendarat di tanah gersang Tronoh ini. boleh menjadi novel jika diceritakan cuma plotnya mungkin tidak seindah plot Titanic, seceria kisah Pocahontas. Tetapi aku yang sekarang masih bersisa peribadi aku yang dulu. aku yakin. aku masih ceria, sangat flexible orangnya, friendly, masih berhati lembut walaupun pergerakan dan bahasa mula kasar. oh ya...itu banyak berubah. kalau di rumah pijak semut tak mati, aku berjaga-jaga dari terlepas mencarut. jadi aku rindukan rumah sbb dirumah aku mendisiplinkan bahasa pertuturan aku. dalam hati. aku geram... sebab lembut dan cepat belas kasihan macam dulu. indahnya sekeping hati aku juga sebab ia sentiasa rasional untuk memilih yang baik buruk hitam putih. cuma minda aku. undefined. aku tidak menilai organ yang itu lagi. kotak fikiranku complicated.

ringkasnya, aku sekarang mungkin seorang yang lebih kuat berbanding dulu, kurang manja, pandai berdikari dan aku yakin sekalipun aku dibaling kemana-mana aku akan survive. seperti biji sawi yang tetap akan tumbuh dan garam yang takkan tawar. haha. overconfident disitu. pengalaman dan dugaan banyak mengajar aku. aku yakin banyak bakat terpendam telah kugilap dalam 10 tahun ini. contohnya, untuk aspek seorang wanita, aku yang buta ilmu dapur sudah pandai memasak, membuat kuih. belajar menjahit, dan sekarang kalau balik rumah ibu tunggu-tunggu, set tidur, cadar, selimut semua aku lulus da. hehe. stakat slua tidur tu kacang jewww. hihi. mendekorasi pula, itu sudah lama minat. suka melukis dan melakar idea tapi melaksanakan sedikit malas. dahulu. sekarang rajin mungkin. balik rumah ada sahaja benda yang berubah. kebersihan pula. yang ini boleh dikatakan aku pandang berat dan pantang melihat kotor. bukan perfectionist tapi aku punya banyak pengajaran dalam hidup untuk hidup dalam kebersihan. ada keajaiban juga berlaku apabila benda yang aku tidak terfikirkan berlaku dalam hidupku. contohnya, dalam bidang seni, aku belajar menari dan pernah mengkareograf tarian dan peak, solo dance depan 1500+ orang. muzik juga menular dalam hidupku. masih belajar. banyak. sukan pula. aku on off untuk jenis-jenis sukan tetapi yang aku kekalkan adalah jogging sampai sekarang. sekarang musim untuk pool, squash, swimming. dahulu pernah tergila gilakan badminton tennis bola jaring. pernah injured dan cuti 2 bulan. jadi lutut aku tidak sestabil orang lain. satu lagi minat baru, bukan kerana faktor duit atau apa-apa... aku mula berminat travelling. suka melihat tempat orang, melihat budaya orang merasa suasana baru dan perjalan yang panjang menambah pengalaman serta membantu aku mengenali diri aku lebih dalam lagi.

jauh lagi perjalanan ini. pegangan harus dikukuhkan, diri dimantapkan. tetapi post ini harus berakhir di sini. sudah lewat untuk makai malam.

i want to be a better sister

2011-10-04T20:36:00.000+08:00

he is someone i used to fought with
jealous much
hated much
irritated much
got annoyed with
well USED TOnowadays
i think i should care more for him
should talk more
stop arguing and keep silent war over nonsense
my dongseng, i want to be your better older sister
cause u are my only brother and my only little sibling
things that happened,
ambil yang keruh buang yang jernih, dik
don't get trauma
keep moving on
this sis won't leave you walk alone

sis, you've been through a lot
'You can't climb carrying excess weight. Shed the unnecessary people in your life and; make the trip light!'
told you thisyou've been tried so hard to make everyone happy
well, don't have to sometimes
or let share some with me
you've tried to protect me and bro from this evil world
but things are beyond your control,
among all i use to think you are the weakest
yet, you are the bravest of all
well i'm used to be the most inconsiderate spoiled stubborn big headed little sister
perhaps i'm new now
or at least i want to change
for u taught me the so :)

Cynthia, Tim, Annie!
come, let's walk this through
let's make dad and mum proud
even not 4, at least 3 of us

p/s: i know they can't read this but at least from the messages and talks that we had u'll know these are the things i meant. Unna, we still miss u, it's just u were the one that left us.

off-market

2011-09-30T11:42:00.000+08:00

study said 1 of 2 Sarawakian couples get married today, will get divorce.

proved in the family. worse.. it took both.

March - 1st sister can't stand it anymore

(somehow she reconciled and that's make 4 of us became 3 T_T)

April - officially become single after a month digantung x bertali

(don't consider this as kami tak kahwin pun haha)

September - 2nd sister had enough

(ongoing - somehow hoping for this line to be deleted, but let's she have her happiness back)

all in a year, 2011 changed me

i don't like guy, but i'm not gay. i just love myself.

so please don't love me. i'll make you cry.

at the moment. stay like this

wait if you want. but till when, sorry can't tell.

i'm out!

Self discovery part 1

2011-09-26T22:27:00.001+08:00

tonight dinner finally made me realize that:

#tipu that i malas eating crab.
#fact that crab taste better after the struggle of cracking it.
the #truth is i donno how to crack it's shell

so that's why i don't eat ketam whenever i went for meals with my friends. At home, i got my dad or mum to crack and scoop the crab's meat for me, but with friend i'm just too shy to tell the truth which is another #fact. same goes to prawn and shellfish. hihi.

thx to the tukang masak ,zai (gambar cilok dari Ayad hihi)

lebih kurang mcm ni la rupa makanan harini

p/s: I might need a boyfriend that is so sporting to crack for me and serve me like baby. kihkihkih. ok yg ni melampau da.

langit tak selalunya cerah

2011-09-25T23:15:00.000+08:00

Panas di Khatulistiwa ini tak sepanjang panas di Sahara.....

so with our life. Langit tak selalu nya cerah di atas bumi yang kita pijak ini. I had a splendid break. Can see it from my FB status "2 countries, 2 seperated land, 7 cities in 2 days", my tweets updating my location from day 1. It was a great break.

But don't have mood to talk about it. The great days ended with unexpected tragedy. The last night in Kuching, i hardly sleep though it was damn tired as we just came back from Equator City. After shopping malam with my sister and her husband, bro and me, tragedi mcm dalam drama-drama swasta di petang hari berlaku. From Boulevard Batu 3 1/2 straight to Matang. *sigh*.

......bahkan hujan yang mengisi hari hari setahun

she revealed everything about him and stated her decision. Most of the time, me and bro diam and listening. Adik terus terdiam speechless sampai rumah. Scene drama swasta ala-ala tragedi Abby-Norman di malam yang rintik-rintik itu habis awal tapi tiada penghujung yang pasti. Belum...

Sentap.Dan dalam hati tertanya-tanya, kenapa begini? Mengapa?

Indahnya pelangi selepas hujan

Tuhan memberikan hujan di siang hari supaya pelangi muncul menghias langit untuk tatapan manusiawi. I hold that hope. So i want to be like Abraham, though against all hope, i want to keep hoping and believing. One day we'll enjoy the most beautiful rainbow ever.

P/s: And i thank God. A call from KL at least brought something good in the midst of life vortex. At least I have back up plan after finishing UTP.

Ibu manja

2011-09-20T21:30:00.000+08:00

Some people describes me as someone spoiled. When come to family relationship particularly. Previously i denied it. Doesn't make sense at all. I'm someone that lived and still living far away from my family, so i thought i've grown up maturely. But this year, at age of 22, i think i have to admit what they said. Yes, i'm a bit spoiled compare to my roommate, obviously.

On the other hand, I've realize that, someone in the family more spoiled than me, and unpredictably she is. Realized yet not really confirm until these few months. It's my mum. Funneyh ah when your mum acting like more babyish than her kids. My ibu manja, she will get sulk if I didn't call her for weeks, or if i called then ask more about my dad than her. It did happen. So she mogok don't want to talk to me for 2 weeks, "bejakulah gau apai nuan. kita semua sayau ka apai" something like that la.

She'll do some psychology tricks just to get what she wants. Like making we feel down and guilty if not doing or agree with her request. Hard to explain but I guess you got some friends that always want your attention. Something like that. Well, what's more funny is when she sulking or marah. She won't eat together with the rest of us. She'll take her food (in front of all of us), after scooped what she want then she'll move somewhere (to the dining room mostly) without any words and leaving with a mad cheeky glance from the corner of her hazel eyes. She is short (well i took the genes from her), quite fat and her movement is funny.

Now that she is taking care of my sister's newborn baby. She's been not having any small kids for ages since we all grown up, well my brother is 19 this year. Giving that responsibility she complained a lot for a few first weeks. Even requested to send her and the new grandson back to my sister (she is working at rural area, very far from civilization) cause she said she can't do the babysitting anymore. Well, my dad don't really want his bloodline to live in rural area such that, so she have to stay in Betong. Tried having maid to help her out with the house chore, well it's hard to find someone that can stand her bossy spoiled character. On second day, orang tu da lari da. Ish ish.

Not kutuking her, but I also feel geram with this ibu manja. My sister once said "I don't how apai can stand to keep a wife like her", i can sensed that she is so geram. She is super good in manipulating people feeling. So don't surprise that my call duration with her more or less like couple's, we can talk for hours. She'll tell/updating me almost everything that happened around her, and sometimes it could be her dream too. Funneyh huh. But u can ask my roommate, she heard that.

During raya break, my sister told me that everyone is the house is boycotting her cause she bullied my dad. Apai have to go for work, handling the kebun and business, while mum, now turned into full time housewife. Yet, she still ask dad to help her with housekeeping, babysitting while she can spare sometime with her friends to chit chat. She really love lepaking with her friend tot only 3 of them, she don't have much friends, she is very picky unlike me. And my brother have to help with cooking. That's what i heard. So, this break i'm going to confirm all that rumors. And yes, it is true. Haiyaaa...mami mami mami..

All in all, she is my mum. We still love her and understand that she is anak tunggal.

bertimbang rasa

2011-09-12T17:30:00.000+08:00

Kata orang putih; CONSIDERATE.

Kalau belajar Moral dulu maksudnya bertimbang rasa ni membawa maksud perasaan simpati, berlaku adil dan belas kasihan dan bertindak atau melakukan sesuatu perkara agar tidak menyinggung perasaan orang lain. Jadi saya tekankan di sini, menjaga perasaan.

Jangan salah anggap yang anda considerate pada physical action, kesusahan dan beban orang lain cukup untuk anda labelkan diri anda bertimbang rasa. Nah, definisi bertimbang rasa itu sendiri menekankan perasaan, feeling.

Bagaimana anda menjaga perasaan orang lain? Cuba letakkan diri anda pada situasi orang itu juga, anda sakit? anda tersinggung? anda terluka? perasaan tidak best? yang penting, mahu diperlakukan sedemikian? Kalau TIDAK, maka jangan lakukan pada org lain. Orang lain, mereka dia, kami dan saya ada perasaan juga. Saya ada komitmen, saya ada urusan, saya ada hal saya ada alasan juga.

kami punya perasaan juga!

Ekspresi, nada, kata-kata dan perbuatan anda mungkin menjatuhkan mood dan semangat orang lain juga. Kalau anda katakan TIDAK tadi, maka, janganlah. Sabar saya bukan seperti masinnya laut, takkan tawar. Dan emo emo menjelang paper esok menjadikan saya tidak selesa.

P/s: Saya pakai cantik-cantik hari ini semata-mata untuk mengulangkaji pelajaran malah pergi dating pun x secantik ini semata-mata mahu menghiburkan hati sendiri dan mahu menyembunyikan warna hati saya yang x selawa baju saya semata-mata saya mahu bersabar dgn anda. kbai!

mengarut sangat!

2011-09-10T15:09:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i have to admit that i'm just being ridiculous in my action.
For example,

While answering today's paper, Petroleum Economic question 1 the first two questions itself are just too difficult and beyond my knowledge. so i answered it last hoping for something will come out later.

After almost 3 hours and still i'm clueless on it.. all i know is King Hubbert.

"King Hubbert?

King Habbert?

King Habber?

King Abber?

King Arber?

King Arthur?

yep.. King Arthur!

Merlin! "

So there was i, i just list out these answers:

"Melin, Camelot, Pretty Little Liars"

I wrote the above down on my final exam PAB 3023 paper! I know it's just totally insane answer but i feel uneasy if i didn't write it..so for the sake of self-satisfaction and happiness deep within i wrote it.

Anyway, the correct answer are:

1.i) Define Peak oil - is the point in time when the maximum rate of global petroleum extraction is reached, after which the rate of production enters terminal decline.
ii) The Hubbert peak theory posits that for any given geographical area, from an individual oil-producing region to the planet as a whole, the rate of petroleum production tends to follow a bell-shaped curve. It is one of the primary theories on peak oil.

semberono!

hantu shampoo

2011-09-09T15:21:00.000+08:00

mahukan rambut cantik seperti ini? :D

Currently i have 6 shampoos in total. wow!
Trust me i have to spend a few minutes daily to arrange which shampoo to be used and remembering which 1 had been used or not.

Up to date the shampoos i have are:

1) Frequency: when needed, once a week, quite frequent after coloring or after temporary perm. sometimes if i didn't wash properly. it'll give flakes to the scalp and create dandruff. frequent application increase hair fall :(. hair get softer, and smooth after. :)

2) Frequency: twice a week. i bought this to replace Pantene hair fall or alternate application with it. love the smell. sometimes i just use this before going out or hang out with my friends. hihi. hair fall effect..hmm not much i guess. i still have bad hair fall.

3) Bought this because the bottle is unique, good cover, promising words and a little for the sake to moisturize the hair. I put this at the back of my shampoo rack so rarely use this. very rare. Not much effect to my hair. worse, it creates dandruff.

4) Pantene. This is my favourite shampoo brand since i know how to buy my own shampoo. Alternating buy Pantene shampoo range according to it's function. somehow, the use of it keep on and off cause i always get tempted by others brand but at least there is always Pantene shampoo inn my basket. Bought this hair fall mainly because i love the honeydew fragrance of it. such a calming smell but to prevent hair fall, to my hair it's a failure. severe hair fall problem huh? ironically, though i bought the shampoo by function but it worked the other way round, i.e: Pantene for dandruff control gives smooth and silk effect to my hair while for moisture balance gives straight effect and so on. it never work vice versa but cycling within the function. sometimes i assumed that the machine mistakenly put the contents, and i bought the defected bottle. ahaha

5) Sometime ago, i had serious dandruff problem. tried dandruff control shampoo but it didn't really work. Selsun blue (after this) really worked but gave other unwanted effect. so after googled out i found that some other method to control dandruff is by mild base shampoo. it's quite hard to find mild base shampoo nowadays, or it's just me that unable to see the "mild" word or i went to wrong Guardian/ Watson store or bad timing huh. so i found this and give it a try. not bad. good smell too. Well, dandruff problem that i had might due to hormone, stress and water (UTP water system quite rich in chlorine i guess which it'll dry out my scalp). after handling stress, dandruff does reduced. :)

6) So far, this is the best dandruff control shampoo i ever have. Princely amount of ringgit for small bottle but worth it. instant effect. somehow, i my hair get dryer and frizzy after that. It is recommended to use the most twice a week. It's contained selenium, so try to avoid wearing any jewelery while shampooing. only use this when needed so 1 bottle can be consumed up to a year. hehehe.

If i failed to figure it out or just don't have time to do decision then i just do hair wash without shampoo, which i think the most frequent decision of all. haha. friendly advice, don't put too much chemical on ur hair sometimes, let's it enjoy the nature too. Just imagine that it's been expose to shampoo chemical, hairdresser product, hot air from hairdryer, polluted air, chlorine contained water daily..if it's you, for sure you'll get suffocated and die. so the hair. this is how i imagine my hair life-cycle. I'll give another post regarding haircare management. No promise, depend on the mood. Gergerger.

Well, this is just the shampoos i have now, not that i ever tried. Sunsilk, Rejoice, Head & shoulder, Palmolive etc... some work for some don't. Depend on the type of shampoo as well. And this is just the shampoos and not talking about others haircare product such conditioner, serum, hair oil etc. gugugugu.

I didn't do rebonding/straightening.
Never up to date.

Actually i hate being high maintenance young lady. Well, the consumption rate of each product also determine either you are high maintenance or not as well. though i bought shampoo for RM30 per bottle but if can end up till 6 months then i can say that it is still lower in cost than those that bought shampoo for RM12 but use it for a month or two only. kan?

near miss!

2011-09-07T21:47:00.001+08:00

NEAR MISS.

What a nerve wrecking incident but really really really thank God it's just near miss.

A near miss is an unplanned event that did not result in injury, illness, or damage – but had the potential to do so - wiki.

yang dikejar tak dapat yang dikendong berciciran

2011-09-06T13:10:00.000+08:00

Bila situasi yang dikatakan yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran, itu adalah umpama anda terkena kejadian sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga. kesian. mengapa terjadi begitu? kerana masalah atau kesusahan berjaya kills 2 3 birds by one stone. hihi. double kesian.

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open, pengajarannya; janganlah tamak, hargai apa yg kita ada. di sini mungkin timbul satu persoalan, bagaimana mahu menyedari apa yang sebenarnya kita miliki? tepuk dada tanya selera. perhatikan sekelilingmu dan evaluate yang positive, yang membuat anda happy, yang membuat anda senang, yang membuat anda selesa yang anda rasa kehilangannya satu kerugian besar atau mungkin sekadar sesuatu yang anda akan terasa.

sebagai contoh: saya malas membuat ulangkaji pelajaran awal-awal, saya mahu bersenang-senang dahulu.dan obviously, senang dahulu susah kemudian. setelah menuju hujung sem, semestinya banyak ilmu yang kita dah berjaya kumpul dan assimilated dalam kepala. cuma kalau tidak selalu diasah, manakan tajam parangnya kan? lama-kelamaan ilmu itu akan menipis dan inilah yang dikatakan yang dikendong berciciran.

waza! waza! tajamnya parang iteww..
(Gambar hiasan semata-mata)

Sementara itu yang dikejar tidak dapat pula menggambarkan sikap kita yang gagal menilai effect sesuatu yang kita mahukan tetapi telah mengusahakannya bersungguh-sungguh dan pada suatu masa kita tetap gagal, kerana no matter how hard u tried, but if it not mean to be then it won't. don't put words in God's mouth anyway. dan kadang-kadang ada situasi di mana anda sudah mendapatkan keinginan anda tetapi sebenarnya it's just not right for you. well not right. so, don't hold it, let it go though getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars, you must let go at some point, so you can move forward. pendek kata, sy mahu berhibur dgn series dan shows yg menarik dan menghiburkan smpai tergelak-gelak yang hampir memecahkan pankreas tetapi tidaklah pecah. itu melampau da. dan rupanya kegembiraan itu bukanlah sesuatu yang kekaaaaaal and knowing i won't go anywhere in entertainment world, hanya angan-angan mat jenin cuma. oleh sebab itu walaupun susah kena tinggalkan tabiat ituuuu.

indah sastera dan literature di muka bumi ini actually sebab perbuatan manusia dapat diumpamakan dengan peribahasa yg unik tp ditampar hebat setiap masa. apakah. sampai di sini sahaja coretan motivasi tidak bertauliah hari ini. apalagi. sila buka buku dan fight for your future!

Magnum hari ini

2011-09-04T14:03:00.005+08:00

0057- anak tangga untuk smpai ke katil dan berehat untuk perjalanan yang juah

0720 -(±) kilometres dilalui balik raya

0309 - happy birthday Mr. Jelie Anyan! We always love you. Take good care of your health, God bless daddy!

3200 - gram berat badan naik selepas raya

0152 - pendapatan duit raya tahun ini, unit Ringgit Malaysia. pertama kali mendapat duit raya. weeeee. thx sedara mara Nurul Fadhillah Salleh for that :)

*Amaran: Orang Israel di padang pasir dulu pun tidak bermain nombor ramalan ini kita sudah katakan mereka jahil dan degil apalagi di zaman ini yang practices zaman dulu masih ada dan diamalkan beserta amalan-amalan baru yang tidak dibenarkan oleh Tuhan kita. Dan aku antara yang memperjuangkan anti-nombor ekor ini; Magnum ke 4D ke janganlah wahai saudara, itu hanya membuang duit anda.

Setahun menjejaki 1 Malaysia

2011-08-28T00:38:00.003+08:00

tiba-tiba ada misi baru dalam umor bernombor menarik ini! nama misi seperti di atas.

SETAHUN, MENJEJAKI 1 MALAYSIA

misi bermula pada tarikh lahir yg lepas di mana sbg hadiah hari jadi kepada diri sendiri aku decided untuk menerbangkan diri ke negeri di bawah bayu, Sabah! Kesimpulannya, angan-angan yang aku fikir dahulu mustahil mungkin akan dilaksanakan dalam tempoh setahun. Ya, SETAHUN. i'm challenging myself!

Mission commenced on: 07-01-11
Mission expected to complete: 07-01-12

Simply i want to reach all states in Malaysia and up to this post, the updates is as follows:

DONE
Sarawak- this should be out of list since this is my hometown. neway this been done 22 years ago
Sabah- Jan 11
Perak - Jan 11 (assume my comeback to UTP as the initial date)
Penang - Mac 11
N.9 - July 11
Melaka - July 11
Johor - August 11

DONE BUT WANT TO RE-DO
Pahang (at least Kuantan)- May 11
Terengganu (at least KT lagi or Kerteh)- May 11 (want to re-do somewhere next sem)
Kelantan (at least KB)- May 11

UNDONE (X pernah pijak walau seinci pun)
Kedah
Perlis - rasanya, mcm mustahil smpai ke sini. Alasan: not really having worthwhile tourism spot (correct me if i'm wrong), thus will have lots of argument with my friends.

tolongggggggggggg laaaah...nak sangat misi ni berjaya. Bersemangat! For this to meet the success i'm willing to sacrifice a few itineraries to go balik hometown, hair treatment cost and body manja-manja services fee. Hehehe.

hidup selalu sesak. penat!

2011-08-23T00:21:00.002+08:00

post ni mcm post seorang remaja yg pendek akalnya. keanak-anakan. post ni mcm org xda iman, xda kekuatan. tapi biarlah kali ini. cause i have plenty of unspoken words trapped within me right now.

sekali lagi, another lost in the family. auntie di Miri. tumor otak. Lagi?? is there something wrong in my bloodline? well, not so sure is this the bloodline that i inherit since there are many adopted cases in the family. not talking bout that. though not that close but at least we were close during my 8 months internship there. not that i lived with her, but one of my geng lepak, sometimes. thinking of going back? problems: they haven't decide where to do the last ceremony for her, Betong or Miri? and i have a very short period to decide. flight fee is damn expensive. esp raya season right now, but worsen, my parent will be out of town starting tomorrow.

why must my parent going somewhere during this critical moment? to make it short, my sister newborn baby is taken care by my mum right now since she has to resume her work after the long break. well, she is working in a very rural area which no network, line or road connection neither electricity. just by longboat. her baby still can't adapt the new environment (without his mum) and making chaos in the house. so my parent decide to come over my sister workplace..and see how things will do then. my little brother will take over the house and any business in the longhouse representing my dad for time being.

and me, here, planned and decided to have my raya in JB with my friend, Fado. she told her family already and they really hope for me to come over and we've plan to do cookies and cakes for raya. and what most important, i promised to come and i really want to come. somehow, just now (the moment i want to feed my hungry stomach during break fasting in the buffet), my cousin called. she begging me to come over her house during my break as her husband have to balik Betong (regarding scenario 1 and a mission), and she'll need driver and accompany. she is really begging like really begging. well, u know me. someone that easily persuaded. kesian. guilty. sort of feelings rush into my heart. and the trip balik JB is tomorrow night.

i have a few more hours to decide. Betong seems impossible, who will fetch me? i don't have the budget but guess my dad could support me, but poor him and he'll go settle my sister problem. nak kacau my mum is in-tolerate decision, she is busy with the cucu. go balik Miri, we'll might not worth it, my aunt family haven't decide on the venue. so make shortlisted is Selangor or Johor. i want Johor but pitiful with my cousin and her sons. hmmm...belum ditambah sedih pilu and grieving of my aunt lagi. and i knew all this matter before my 1st spoon of food tadi. the body trembling, mind away heart skipping the beat. hidup selalu sesak. selapas satu..satu hal lagi. bila hari aku akan berakhir or at least pausing somewhere? PENAT.

You are not easy as 123!

2011-08-22T16:49:00.008+08:00

Someone easy! Just got the definition from a drama that i watched. Got it like really got it.

Well, hardly to express in words but for me myself, I'd rather advising the heart to be not someone easy. It's look cheap (ouch!) and well easy!

Once someone did something unpleasant to you, u'll get hurt. But giving another opportunity makes u a kind-white-angelic-hearted person. Somehow it ended as the first time. Poor u. Some moment later, the person crawling back to you and, there you are forgiving and accepting, without u aware, there are "hurt" ball rolling behind the person toward you and hit u. And again, the same thing happen, and hurt, over and over again defined ur life.

Stop it woman (applicable to man as well)! When an egg breaks by a power outside, a life ends. When an egg breaks by a power within, a life begins. You are good enough to forgive but not that dumb stupid to forget. Spare some for yourself, you worth something.

Anyway, not saying that not to give opportunity, you SHOULD, but be it in an appropriate amount, twice acceptable, the 3rd time depends on the reason and next..better not. Cause that person seems not to ever change!

Am i sound like frustrated, now? Nope, just feel like sharing. It’s not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived. Although i know I won't be remembered by my words, but by deeds purposes (the positive one-of coz!) will do. Perhaps!

appropriate amount

perbandingan antara CINTA & KENTUT

2011-08-20T21:43:00.004+08:00

CINTA dan KENTUT x bole d tahan, kedua2nya bole jadi lega bila terlaksana.

CINTA tertahan = Sengsara, KENTUT ditahan = Menderita

Kalau CINTA dan KENTUT bersuara, tentu perasaan kita lega.

CINTA terkesan malu-malu tapi mau, KENTUT bikin malu-malu baunya.

CINTA tanpa rasa, bukan CINTA namanya, KENTUT tak berbau, bukan KENTUT namanya.

CINTA itu rapuh, KENTUT itu bau.

CINTA itu halus, KENTUT itu virus.

CINTA diam-diam membuat orang mabuk kepayang, KENTUT diam-diam membuat orang mabuk kepalang.

CINTA dan KENTUT sama-sama sering dicari:
Kalau sudah CINTA: “Dimana engkau duhai kekasih?”
Kalo sudah KENTUT: “Siapa nih yang KENTUT?

CINTA berlebih membuat orang terbuai, KENTUT berlebih membuat orang terkulai.

CINTA menyatukan persepsi, KENTUT menyatukan emosi.

logik dalam funneyh kan? hohoho

hohehahu

2011-08-20T13:58:00.002+08:00

if the dews froze under the Sahara,
the blaze will not then wither the will...
if the peace is no longer fluttering doves,
then the hate will then turn to love

ececece...asal tetiba jiwang karat ni?
weeeeeeeee

i'm sorry

2011-08-18T23:14:00.004+08:00

oh.. i feel this guilty feeling suffocating me
i wanted to say sorry verbally with eyes to eyes
but i don't want to come empty handed
yet i have nothing to give, right now

sorry, i just came to know that it was like that
5 years i've been waiting for the moment
and you just did
well i guess i could be the 1st and last
and i wasn't there

sorry, i'm bad in my time management recently
oh..really feel bad
i can see ur eagerness
even SMS me a pleasant reminder to come in the very very early morning
and i didn't

Abang,

my "babe" my ♥

2011-08-15T00:54:00.004+08:00

kalau sy demam, dia pun demam sekali. haihh..ini yang xnk mengadu, xnk report hal2 kesihatan kat dia. dia ckp, kalau dia tahu intan-berlian-ruby-carnelian dia ni tak sihat, tgh2 mlm dia terbangun mesti dia risau tak keruan. terasa mcm nk kol tp dia nak buah-hati-mesofil-jantung-tangkai-penkreas dia ni rehat. jadinya dia yg dmam sbb restless. itulah ♥ saya :)

weekend ni selepas menghabiskan report fyp, eh sebelum habis lagi da bertarung dengan tahap kesihatan yang entah apa2. grrrr. sakit pelik xley baring lurus (kalau baring lurus xley bernafas, apakah) dan beberapa siri penyakit lain yg suka bertandang pada badan kecik ini menyebabkan hujung minggu ini seperti burung dalam sangkar Portland cement. ya..boleh dikatakan hidup lumpuh. oxygen yg disedut hanya sekitar bilik, dapur dan bilik air. ada masanya sakit smpai xbole nk pejam mata. lagi2 rumet balik. sadissss... 1 saat x tahan jd decide share with my sis yg tgh bercuti catan di rumah. dia pun risau tahap gaban dan merepot pada my "babe", apalagi...tahap petala lapan la dia risau. sbnrnya...xnak bgtau tp sy x segagah my ♥ :(

kalau kami berdating di telefon, yela cinta jarak jauhkan, jgn harapla 30min itu ckup. esp dgn aku yg x sihat ni...kalau ley fon tu xnk off. smlm dia tau bz seharian baking cake, bising dia. hehe.comeeel.bertali arus mcm sungai yangtze kat china tu pnjg leterannya. tahan kejap.

sorry, mmg ada sdkit, eh agak byk la overworked myself. sbb xnk la bg ruang utk fkir pekara bkan2 (mgkn ini boleh diceritakan di post yg lain..mgkin) bak kata wallpaper sy skrg "do things that make u blissful, optimistic, empowered so u can set a positive tone to ur day". dgn pntas dia jwb "dah tu smpai sakit2 ni..xyala cri bnda yang terlampau besar utk dicapai. dah hmpir book flight nk g situ da". olololo...cuwitnya my ♥ ni. chill ♥, i'll be fine :)

dan tadi tersasul panggil dia babe (or "beb" actually?) beberapa kali. tak pernah dibuat anak dara bila bercakap dgn org lebih tua. hehe..dia gelak besar je. comeeeeel. oh september cepatlah datang!!!!!!

sbnrnya kalau nk ckp kebaikan dia..2 3 4 melon pages pun xckup. 22 tahun ni hidup, endlessly dia pouring love onto me. thx ♥. thx beb!

bila bakal engineer turun ke dapur

2011-08-13T23:22:00.006+08:00

Resepi kek lumut

asal resepi ini diambil dari blog "Dayang kek Sarawak". tetapi saiz dekat blog tu terlalu besar jadi sy halfkan semuanya. halfkan dgn tepat kononnya, kan blajar engineering, 5 maths subject kot ktorg ambk. Sbb sukatan dia pakai sukatan zaman James Brooke kot hehe, pakai gelas gelas-comeeel je, jadi sy pun berusaha gogel utk mencari sukatan dlm SI unit. gigih! oh ada byk modification jugak sbb, i just love the taste that my sis did, but i forgot to take the recipe from her and according to the taste i just made my own measurement. teka-teka berjaya gagal, jadi inilah cara saya;

Bahan A

1/2 sudu teh vanilla
225grams mentega jenama buttercup
100 gram ~~gelas~~ gula halus

Bahan B
5 biji telur
1/2 tin kecil kaya yeos (sepatutnya, tp sbb xde stok dkat kedai Rahmath Tmn Maju jd sy ambik Daisy)
5 gelas tepung nestum
1/2 botol perasa pandan Star brand (tapi kalau bole, better pakai pasta pandan la)
1 sudu teh pewarna (ini sy teka tuki sesuka suki sy, sbrnya seckup pndgn mata)
1/4 tin susu pekat manis
75 grams tepung horlicks (tepung almond pun bole)
Browning sugar*

Dan cara membuatnya:
1. Pukul Bahan A hingga kembang - putih
2. Masukkan telur satu persatu di dalam adunan tadi sehingga habis.
3. Susu pekat manis,pukul lagi,
4. Sesudah itu masukkan tepung almond yang sudah digaul bersama tepung nestum.
5. Akhir sekali masukkan kaya & pasta pandan.(Jika ada boleh masokkan browning sedikit untuk menampakkan seperti warna lumut)
6. Kukus selama 4jam di dalam loyang; loyang di tutup dengan aluminium foil di sekeliling,utk mengelakkan air dari masok.

Assumptions, problems dan modification dari saya:

1) Kek lumut bakar
Disebabkan gogel punya gogel tidak berjumpa langsung pengalaman org yg membuat cake ini dgn membakar jd sy gamble (sbnrnya sbb utama nk bakar, sy tggal di asrama dan tiada proper periuk kukus serta saiz loyang yg besar, jadi terlebih besar adunan, xtra tu sy nk bakar)

mengikut logic theory, kalau kukus, it'll adding water into the cake or at least reduce a little, tp kalau bake, air disedut dan surface dia lbh cpat dry up and keras, so ada possibility dkat tgh x masak. jadi sy guna idea kek lapis. bakar sikit2, dlm layer yg nipis. kemudian keep adding it. hanya awal2 sahaja heat both up and down, nnti heat upward sahaja tkut kt bontot loyang hangus (kononnya).

1 lagi modification sy tmbh (haha...jgn la bg student engineering buat cake, mcm2 nk ubah,redesign, modify, recommend la ish2), between layers tu sy letak jem strawberry/ grapes ini nk bg taste masam manis nnti :)

hasilnya:

ironinya, kawan2 ckp this taste better than yg kukus :) dan yg ni dlm beberapa jam da hbs. ngeee. *bangga2*

sy cadangkan tmbh sikit bikarbonat or tepung penaik sbb kalau bakar, bila kek itu spongy a bit, it'll increase porosity within it jd heat transfer lebih even compare to high heterogeneity kalau padat..cm reservoir jugak kan. hehe. tak digalakkan utk kukus!apa2 pun nk try la jugak one day and get it updated here.

2) ratio telur
masa sy mengadun dan stirring, sy tiada mixer, semuanya pakai tangan di tengah berpuasa. wow. sila kagum. hehe. jd sbb tenaga batin yg rendah, oppss i mean kekuatan/keupayaan sy telah menambah telur utk reduced viscosity bahan2 sy. sy tmbh 1 utk yg dikukus dan 2 utk yg di bakar. so hasilnya agak berlemak. so better stick to 5 biji utk sukatan diatas dan get a mixer ladies!

3) terlebih horlicks
miscalculated, actually i put 150gram. tp not giving much effect just adunan menjadi lebih pekat. horlick kan serap air. tp taste dia ok. so we can say nestum play a great effect here.

4)bake yg dikukus
utk tahan lebih lama, cake yg dikukus itu boleh di bakar selama 10 mins dgn T=180 deg. tgk2 kn jugak jarak loyang dgn heater, itu effect gak. jgn terbakar sudey.

berbeza tekstur kan? yg ni x spongy tapi kawah2 Marikh tu adalah disebabkan improper alignment masa masukkan adunan dalam loyang. belum ada bakat tangan chef lagi :) [kebetulan ambk gambar bhgn yg huduh ni..huhu,xpe2 sy telus]

5) lain2 tips hasil research dan observation

nak kurang manis reduce gula of coz, horlick da ckup manis, unless pakai tepung almond which xpna cuba lagi.
nk reduce lemak kurangkan butter dlm 30grams dgn 5 biji telur max
i tasted kek lumut yg pakai tepung biasa (tepung gandum) but i prefer yg ni. pakai nestum. that's what make this recipe sedap. kalau kek lapis biasa tu dorg pakai gandum, cheaper tp still sy suka yg ni. ini yg jadikan dia berbeza dgn kek yg lain :)
sy x pakai tepung penaik. sbb nk kek yg padat. xnk spongy.
kukus dlm 8 jam jgn cm sy cma 2 jam lebih jam dgn improper periuk lgi. huhuhu. masih pelajar lagi kan. duduk asrama. makin lama kukus, makin tahan actually.
Browning sugar tidak dijual di Malaya, hanya terdapat di sarawak so, sy tidak menggunakan apa2 but u may try with gula merah/hitam atau buat sendiri.

AMARAN: INI KALI PERTAMA SAYA BAKING CAKE SENDIRIAN BERHAD TANPA GUIDANCE ORG BERPENGALAMAN SELAIN MR. GOOGLE. Pengalaman yang ada hanya tolong2 tgk dan jaga kukus time kakak saya buat. huhuWalaupun begitu, hasilnya ok dan siap ada yg da book utk raya nnti. hehe. we'll see how. Baking kt rumah dia la. kalau proper equipment, sy mcm yakin it'll be better :)

Setulus ingatan terima kasih kepada; Hana Giant (nama fb) yang teman dan guide membeli bahan, serious blurr msa nk beli, ada list tp x sure. jakun la tek sik pernah2 dlm hayat yg sudah berlalu membeli brg sebegini, Nuzul Nadhirah Hashim yg tolong jaga kukus dan oven jga memberi idea2 bernas dlm menghadapi dugaan hari itu. tidak dilupakan hujan yg turun mencurah2 dan menghalang bunyi bising blender. xde tepung nestum jd nestum ori diblended dijadikan tepung. housemate yg tolong makan dan komen juga sapa2 yg dibagi sedikit merasa ;)

dilema pintu atau kaki?

2011-08-11T22:05:00.003+08:00

she been trapped in a cave.
quite a long time.
she suffered and suffering.
facing pain and fear.
hurt!
or sometimes her peer called paranoid.
may be.

she should have the urge to move on
no no..it is a need
so she tried
unfortunately, she failed
she felt there are a unseen barrier,
blocking her way out
she tried but that elastic door pulling or pushing her
pitiful. trapped in the middle.
she think of the trick to get out
hmm..may be just follow the flow?

so she let it be
unknowingly the floor cave moving deeper
she is getting farther from the outer yet toward the danger
fear, tears, confuses, hurt is her friend
somehow she still try to get out of the cave
fighting with the unseen elastic door
and as she moved deeper, she tried to run
and put momentum to go through the door
it's like doing long jump in athletic event
(un)fortunately, at that moment, the transparent door disappeared
she manage to go through it, but she fell down and hurt herself.
again.ouch!

a few inch to totally out of the cave
she saw the light
walk out of it and run and be safe
she wants to
but the leg is not moving
yes, she hurt but she still able to walk
just the leg stubbornly static
argh!

now that she realized
all this while she proclaimed that she can't get out
because a transparent door was blocking her way
but it could be the leg that will stop just in front of the door?
sometimes the truth actually does raise its ugly head
but you can't see it
because it's hiding behind lots of pretty little lies

now that she don't have the door anymore

will the leg keep unmoving?

will she keep blaming the door?

and is the door for real? actually?

or just the way she feel it?

~~or if it for real. why?~~

in the end, the life always come back to urself.

Notakaki from me: i said a little prayer; i chose to go out, please make my way smooth God. Amen.

hairband bewarna kuning

2011-08-09T16:58:00.002+08:00

satu lagi hairband, bewarna unik masuk dalam senarai harta milikku. koleksi hairband skrg pun x byk. ada hitam, pink dan emas.tapi hairband itu tidak kekal dalam senarai harta pusaka ku kerana telah kuwariskan pada seorang kawan atas istilah "a gift". hadiah. saja.

gambar hiasan semata-mata.
(terlupa untuk mengambil gmbr haritu hehe)

cuma...penerima dia bukan wanita, yakin, dia bukan wanita. kalau dulu terasa pelik, lucu, disgusting melihat lelaki memakai hairband. tapi sekarang aku tak rasa sebegitu. malah ada beberapa rakan sekuliah memakainya ke kelas sekalipun. belum di kira yang memakainya hanya di bilik (well...termasuk temanku ini).

isi utama yang ingin disampaikan di sini bukanlah fesyen, kepelikan gender trend zaman skrg waima nak kutuk sahabat2 handai. oh tidak sama sekali. post ini pun bukan propaganda. aku cuma mahu mengatakan aku tidak sekonservatif dulu. tapi aku bukan penggalak untuk cross-gender fashion trend. masih waras untuk menyatakan jelek juga kalau lelaki memakai dress, skirt apatah lagi berbaju dalam yang saiz cawannya mengalahkan aku punya. maaf, ini jujur tapi sekali lagi aku tegaskan..bukan propaganda.

kita kan tahu, biasanya pemakai hairband ni rambutnya panjang di depan kan. tujuan memakai bagi aku antara 2 sahaja, untuk keselesaan dan gaya. well, untuk aku biasanya alasan no 1 dan aku yakin alasan ke2 itu tidak pernah terlaksana lagi kerana kalau da tak cantik tu letak sedozen dan berkilo perhiasan kepala pun takkan mengubah apa2. oh teringat kakak blok 17. hehe..de suka pakai klip rambut kalerful dan mcm2 design tang sana tang sini kat kepala. xpela. dulu nampak pelik, tpi aku rasa dia bole dikatakan trend setter gak r. skrg siap ada yg kelipkan bunga2 atas tudung..hmm..kalau bertempat dan sesuai kaler match..santek jugak hasilnya.

kalau setakat hairband, biarlah. lagipun aku fhm dia nk study tunduk2 ngadap kompito xnak rmbut kacau pandangan. kalau korean male artis rmbut pnjg kita puji kita ley suka2..jadi x salah la kalau ada teman nk bergaya sedikit dgn rmbut agak pnjg. kalau da mengalahkan nenek kebayan..pelik jugak. oh aku terasa pelik aku da boleh menerima perubahan dunia harini. tapi still...aku x ley trima transgender. ini propaganda! iklan jap. oh tertinggal di mukadimah, aku sepatutnya menyatakan siapa aku dulu, seorang yang agak anti lelaki x kemas di muka, bermisai berjangkut berambut2 di muka. rambut cm sarang tebuan (bukan afro, afro aku terima ya), mksud aku serabailah rambutnya. skrg buatlah mcm mna, jnji kemas.

isu sebenar di sini, bukan stail rambut. maaf...pantas melalut. back to inti pati utama. kenapa aku memberikan hairband itu? simple, kalau setakat hairband..biarlah. kebiasaannya aku akan tegas, aku try control ikut kesukaan aku. tapi idea hairband ini ku terima. kalau dulu mungkin aku akan keep attack dia..gi gunting rambut! gi gunting rambut! giiiii guntingggggg rambuutttttt! (sila imajin aksi ini dgn anak tekak terjojol keluar). haa..betapa seriusnya aku. tapi kejadian ini hanya berlaku pada org tertentu. tidak semua. tidak semua ya.

sama seperti aku menegur aksi merokok atau smoking. rasanya kawan2 arif sudah dgn perangaiku ini yg serius memperjuangkan zon larangan merokoknya. alasaan2 aku ada beribu tapi aku singkatkan;

1. aku alergik dgn asap rokok. boleh menyebabkan aku demam, sakit dada. well, dlu aku selalu lawat hospital sbb sakit dada. sensitif dgn lung yang kecik ini pada debu berlebihan termasuk asap rokok.

2. tak suka bau dia. nanti rambut terutamanya, baju, badan akan berbau rokok. sebab tu balik lepak kena mandi. xsuka kalau bau tu meresap masuk cadar dan selimut.

3. AKU SAYANG NYAWA AKU SENDIRI DAN JUGA ANDA, PEROKOK YANG AKU TEGUR. semua tau, yg bukan perokok tapi exposed dgn asap rokok umpama aktif smoker jugak.ini dinamakan pasif smoker.

untuk perokok yang aku tegur.sebenarnya anda harus rasa bertuah, kerana aku tegur dan nasihatkan. sebab..tak semua aku akan tegur. tak semua. mungkin anda rasa disgusting jugak dgn teguran aku, tapi berbanggalah, anda antara yang aku pilih untuk tegur. harap anda perasan jugak, ada je teman2 lain even yang sekuliah yang merokok tapi aku x pernah tegur. simply, bukan aku tak sayang mereka, tapi kerana aku sayang anda lebih. menjadi minor dalam kalangan perokok sbnrnya sgt memerlukan kekuatan untuk melahirkan ayat larangan itu. tapi aku lakukan pada anda, anda dan anda..simply aku sayang kalian. well, aku aku sedikit loose sudah skrg. kalau anda social smoker yang ambik kerana alasan yg diterima akal silalah. cuma, faham2lah..rokok ini ada kandungan kemikal yang akan terus menarik minat menghisapnya. jika alasan untuk melepaskan tekanan. waaah..kalau siap jam anda tertekan..stp jamlah puntung itu terpacul di mulut anda ye dok? excuses is the killer for opportunity.

kebelakangan ini ada peperangan antara perokok dan anti-rokok. aku termasuklah. ada komen teman yang aku rasakan agak mengguris. well, simply kenapa kami tegur, we love both u n i. and simply we were together, hang out, lepak etc. bcoz we are friends. aren't we? tepuk dada tanya selera teman.

apapun aku manusia, punya treshold, memang aku tidak penat memperjuangkan tidak merokok bertahun2 sudah tapi aku mungkin penat meperjuangkannya pada anda. one day u'll wake up and smoke in front of me, and i'll do nothing. pernah terjadi dan pasti terjadi lagi. bila aku sudah tidak kisah, aku tidak kisahlah. mungkin sayang pada anda sudah berubah. ya mungkin. mungkin juga aku bersedia jika rokok yang kau kawani itu yang meragut usia mu lebih cepat,seperti yang terjadi pada nenek dan datuku. oh bukan sedikit yang aku jumpa merana kerana rokok. tapi biarlah, bila aku sudah tidak kisah, aku tidak kisah. kau pun tidak merasa sunyi untuk tidak mendengar copetan mulut ini lagi. well, org friendly spt aku ni..mmg ramai kawan, tidak perlu berat untuk dihargai. tapi bila kami sudah sombong..entah. akan mencuba itu.

penat. akan..

p/s: aku rasa post ini unique kerana dapat mengaitkan hairband kuning dgn rokok. irony!

berat bahu memandang berat lagi bahu memikul

2011-08-07T22:16:00.001+08:00

u said that to me. i know it damn true.

well, i don't have much to say friend.

be strong k.

sayonara J.T.

2011-08-05T22:54:00.002+08:00

It’s been more than 36 hours that I knew about ur death. Look happy and cheerful at the outside but I’m grieving inside. And my friend, I know u can’t read this but may your soul feel the rain that falling down in Betong right now as our tears for u.

I don’t remember the exact moment but we did played around when u hit me on my head and I said “Eh, don’t! it’ll may lead to blood blockage in my head and creates tumor for me. Then..bla..bla..and all the biology knowledge came out… and I will die young”. Stubbornly, u gave me another hit and say; “No la… ur brilliant brain won’t die young. I’ll die first”

That “I’ll die first” whirling around my head right now. Not that I wish for a short life but never that I wish for anyone of us to die this young, Jerry. But u already gone.

Ur body just arrived at our hometown, but I won’t be there to pay the last respect for u. My dad will do that on behalf of me. It’s just impossible for me to go back by now. Sorry, and as my dad said, it’s better for me not to see ur last condition so that all the good images and memory of u will keep remained.

We’ve been being playmates, classmate for years. I knew u as my classmate before I know that u are my cousin and ur big bro is my sister friend and classmate and same goes to ur big sister to my eldest sis. And we, too. Our parent is friend, and whenever we met somewhere in the town, our parent will be having their chats and so with us. We called it the cousins meeting. Oh, we haven’t finish joking and chilling, Jerr.

It’s ok, if u want to go. Coz I know God loves u more. But, thinking that I won’t meet u anywhere, anyhow on this Earth just tearing my heart friend. How am I suppose to go back Betong for Gawai and Christmas knowing u won’t be there anymore, how am I suppose to face ur sibling without u been there, and definitely awkward for them too. It’s a big lost cause you are my 1st best friend that leaves me. Forever. Sayonara Jerry Tigong, you'll deeply missed!

nah!

2011-08-01T23:04:00.004+08:00

learned to give mine to less fortunate since i was kid. so...nah, take it. sincerely. take good care of it girl :)

and oh, learn to get use to it, well the look can be deceiving. hehe. sorry too coz i didn't repair it to the best and seal the broken line till it totally disappear. x sempat :)

nah! =)

menjaga hati

2011-07-24T11:26:00.004+08:00

The day has started imperfectly. obviously, coz i'm here.

Well, review yesterday, prepare for better tomorrow and life must go on. i just went out for breakfast with the girls. somehow the stall remind me of Miri mi jawa. oh i miss the taste. i miss my old-self too. eh hmmm...not really.

There are people complimenting (or actually condemning) me said that i mix and blend well with people. flexible kononnya. and i changed accordingly to the group characteristic, which mean i don't have fix principle of my own but have a great range in social life. admit that one of my weaknesses is to accept people words easily. so for years or months i set in my mind, i am someone flexible outside to inside myself. (well, you can see how i wrote the previous posts, if only you can see it)

Unfortunately, people-that-told-me-so, ur statement is partially true. yes, admit that i blend well and variety in characteristic but the within-self is constant! the planets revolve around the sun and so the people, but not me. i am still me :). i guess u r the one that look fix outside yet unfix inside.huhu..look within urself

not surprise that i'll forgive people even they didn't have intention to apologize

not surprise that i did something beyond prediction cause everything i do, i do it with reason :)

not surprise that i'll try my best to menjaga hati others and keep mine away

not surprise that i'll turn the blame to myself and feel guilty to people that did me wrong

not surprise that i'll choose the path that someday will make me proud to look back. well, when something bad happens, you have 3 choices: you can either let it define you, destroy you, or let it strengthen you.

oh there are so many of myself that still within me. There is always something to be grateful for. and smile cz life is a beautiful thing and there are many thing to smile about. yang penting jgn simpan amarahmu smpai matahari tenggelam :)

hoke..skrg have to work on fyp. kerja terlampau byk dan rumit. rumit smpai otak penat. terlalu penat utk berfikir dan xdpt bgn awal td :(. dahla failed phone interview :(.. 2 kali kena kol, 2-2 tu on the road dan worst 1 tu hp hbs bat. heh...plu set appointment dlu la kalu bole. nk prepare g KL lg ni...hmmm byk nya halangan dan cabaran. perlukan kekuatan sgt2 coming week ni. tolonglah...manusia-manusia, kali ini jagalah hatiku pula. (for sure i'll play on the safe side so i don't get hurt anymore)

then aku yang kat tengah2 ni apa???

2011-07-21T10:21:00.005+08:00

the title explained little, and i don't have much guts to explain more too.

in between is something most people want when come to sleeping coordination, especially those that phobia with night just like me.

but when come to relationship it is something very very super duper triper kipler giler complicated.

she was before and about to be after. before and after. before and after.

used to and will be too. used to and will be too, used to and will be too

and i'm in the between.

so what am i????

what???

oh..this is not best bro. sangat...

test coming up in a few hours

sleepless, eatless, drained out my body

since the tears can't go out, then vomit does

i shouldn't browse

i shouldn't read

i shouldn't interpret

but all done.

it could be i'm the rebound of hers

or her to mine
(or it could be u hers but for sure not mine)

whatsoever

less care if it's someone else

wont blame, wont mad if found my replacement

indeed, it's good for both of us

and will be happy for you too

but thinking of me being someone in between,

it's just hurt damn bad much
coz when a heart break, no it don't break even

p/s:..................................

henpon

2011-07-20T14:54:00.004+08:00

Ya.... henpon tajuk di atas adalah bermaksud handphone, telefon bimbit, engpon atau fon genggam bak kata A Samad Said. Fizikal henpon ini, dipendekkan cerita ianya hanya sebiji atau seketul alatan cumil yang pelbagai guna. pelbagai guna itu terlalu banyak untuk dihuraikan. disebabkan time UPSR karangan dihadkan sekitar 100 patah perkataan jadi aku huraikan berdasarkan definisi sendiri. Nak lebih faham apalagi pegi google.com, taip bnda tu dan picit enter.

All right, move on to next topic. pada aku, definisi kamus sendirian berhad utk sebiji henpon adalah alat yg kegunaan utama memanggil/call orang, menghantar dan menerima mesej pendek atau SMS dan alarm (xtau dlm bhsa melayu). oh, sbb skrg da pakai enpon jnis agak smart,diulang, agak smart phone..bukan ipong...anda silap tekaan di situ, sekali sekala akan guna fungsi lain, spt mmbawa notes ke kelas, GPS, twitter, fesbuk (wuyooo...xherankan..budak tahun 6 lagi da tau gna byk apps) dan sebagainya, bila berpatutan..tp itu pun teramat sekali sekala..entah-entah betul2 sekali sahaja. dengar2 ramai je mcm ni. hp cnggih2 pun x fully utilize sbb kan ada laptop, notebook, dekstop dgn segala mcm top top gadget. lagipun x pakai data plan, xmmpu :(. walaupun begitu, kenyataan bahawa henpon sangat berguna tidak dapat dinafikan. dgn hp, kita x perlu menunggu berhari-hari, berminggu waima bertahun untuk respon dlm komunikasi, kita tidak perlu menggunakan medium seperti burung dan asap untuk menghantar pesanan. kechit! dan beberapa nano saat org diseberang pun menerimanya. ajaibkan. inilah dikatakan dunia di hujung jari.

alkisahnya, post ini bukan autobiografi aku sebiji henpon tetapi kisah hidup harian tanpa henpon. sekali sekala, kita alpa, kita tergesa-gesa mengejar waktu atau atas alasan tertentu kita tertinggal alatan keramat cumil itu, atau ada masa tertentu alatan keramat itu tamat hayat. seperti mana barang yg diperlukan tidak dijumpai pada masanya dan berselerak pada bukan masanya, begitulah kehidupan tanpa henpon. time tak bawak time itulah kegunaan henpon bermelonmelonmelon dan teramatlah sesak, kacau bilau puting beliung tnpa henpon, tpi time bawak henpon jarang ada masalah yang ketara kannnn. walau apapun, henpon pernah membuatkan aku;

stranded diluar bilik berjam-jam, paling lama rekod 4 jam.
membaran membara menggorila tahap gaban (segaban org yg xpna baran tahap "baran" ini..entah mcm mna nk describe), apa2pun, kpd yg pernah menjadi mgsa...sorry sgt2. well org ckp "Emotions are like waves. You can't stop them, but you can pick which ones to ride" and i took the wrong ride. hehe. kebutalan hari itu jiwa sudah kacau beb
membuat progress report depan dapur bawah iron board
menunggu sv selama hmpir 2 jam. sv ni pun 1 2 3 hal..bak kata teman se-sv, dia ni nk ckp buta teknologi x jugak. hp de tu, time crucial la salu xley kontek. pstu msj mmg x di reply, call pun salu x angkat. hmmmmm.
frust. tunggu lama2, tertido. bangun, tido balik dan berulang kali
kecederaan sementara di kaki. geram sgt, so pura2 ganas dgn menyepak pintu. tahan sakit jap, duduk, pastu sepak lagi. tahan sakit lagi pastu sepak lagi. lpas penat..nk sepak kuat2 smpai tertanggal cuak gak, sbb bukan harta sendiri. hehe
kena marah; "bek xyah ada hp kalu asek x bawak" hmmmmmm
jiwa kacau bilau, tmbh2 lagi bila ada msalah duniawi. hmmm... 2 benda ni, masalah dan tertinggal henpon suka bersama. tertinggal henpon sentiasa ada mslh duniawi, tetapi mslh duniawi x smestinya akan tertinggal henpon. cenggitulah dipendekkan.
paling best bila tertinggal hp dan kunci bilik sekali. ini the best. mmg sudah jatuh ditimpa tngga, jatuh tertiarap terkena tahi ayam lagi tu bila dgn sleepless night sebelumnya dan x makan pape lagi sbb x bawak duit sekali. hmmmmm
adakalanya..alarm x berfungsi, ke alarm itu berfungsi tetapi tertido mati. atau plg noob slh set btwn "am" dan "pm". alarm nyanyi lepas abs kelas Pet Econ, contohnya, dan wateber it is da terlepas kuiz pun. worse pna terlepas simpang rumah sbb ignore alarm. hehe.
buat org lain risau. sorry....x bermaksud sedemikian.

Parahkan bila unwanted incident happened sbb unwanted action done. mcm UAUC, then let call it UIUA :D. oke, copyright ni! recently, thankful to Twitter and Gtalk coz it saved me from making sin semata2 tertinggal henpon :). oh teruknya diri ini kerana object kecil pun boleh mengubah peribadi sebesar alam. Ironinya...but this is life. Jangan jadi seperti saya.

Oh baru2 ni ada kawan2 komen, bila pegang henpon aku jd sgt focus. msti tunduk utk baca dan reply dan penuh perasaan (seperti gambar rajah dibawah). haha...dorg request for me to be more cool in front of phone. nak berubah la ni... hehe. nk macho depan phone.

noob

harini ada bermelonmelonmelon talk, xtau da nk pg mna ke sbnrnya management x suh pg mna2 pun :D
Rindu jugak pintu bilik lama, xkesah tertinggal kunci asalkan ada kad x berguna yg x tebal sgt dan x lembik sgt sbb dpt bkak lock dari tepi. oppppsss... xley gtau bilik mana :)

sweet sour

2011-07-11T18:27:00.007+08:00

igtkan da ok

igtkan da truthful bole berimba-imba

igtkan da stable, damai

tipu! x sakit

tipu! x rindu

tipu! x peduli

nak lebih kuat, sekuat aur menarik tebingnya

nak lebih gagah, segagah merong mahawangsa

nak bergerak ke atas, selaju roket-roket NASA

vroooommmmm!!!.. (salah bunyi je)

baru tadi org puji

baru tadi org tepuk belakang

baru tadi pergi ubah rambut lagi

mcm biskut, kejap ada kejap xda

mcm perlu mntak doremon bagi life-eraser

mcm mcm...mcm... nak berak...hehehe

Tulisan di hujung kertas: kejap ah...nak smbg baca "sweet sour" :D || I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.

ceritera seekor ikan ditangan beta

2011-07-05T15:35:00.001+08:00

Jalan-jalan di pasar malam pada lewat malam semalam (xla lewat sgt tp around semua nk tutup kedai), menghasil sesuatu yang kurang berhasil kerana x byk pilihan makanan. dan tetiba, ada kawan menyapa; Mark, Wayne dgn Luj (nama tidak penuh).

Rezeki...rezeki... mereka baru balik memancing dan tiada cukup barang untuk memasak ikan itu jadi ikan-ikan itupun diserahkan kepada beta. beratnya xla smpai sekilo tpi banyak la juga.

minggu lepas, ada juga membeli ikan dan terlupa untuk request penjual itu menyiangnya. smpai di rumah baru perasan (jakun kan?) inilah la gayanya orang yang kurang ke dapur. hihihi.. kalau dgn emak, mmg xnmpk la mcm mna dia memilih dan membeli ikan, tetapi org yg byk mengajar tentang ikan ikan ni ialah my aunt, time intern di Miri dulu. cara memilih mana yang segar dan tak. tapi tiada juga yg mensifukan ilmu-ilmu menyiang. Di rumah, well ada ayah dan abg ipar yg buat task tu (mak pun x pndai sgt sebenarnya...sikit2 pggil ayah zzz)

mari belajar menyiang ikan : step-stepnya (gaya aku la)...

Pertama-tamanya, dgn pisau ditelengkan sedikit, kikis sisik-sisiknya. masa kikis sisik, pegang di bahagian kepala supaya tak tercucuk sirip. ada jugak ckp, tips untuk luruhkan sisik tu dgn lebih senang sapu dgn garam. ada cuba, tapi seems it works on jenis ikan yang sisik halus. hati2 disini, saya sendiri tercucuk sirip 4 kali, semua berdarah, jgn lupa cuci darah, nnti kes raja bersiung pula...gegege..apakah

Then....buang mulut dia. *kecet* -may be gunting works better.

Belah tepi badan dia or slightly ke bawah..*zeeettt* - hati2 jangan cucuk dlm sgt.

Keluarkan isi perut dia. jenguk2 la kot2 ada telur-tp aku xpndai la bezakan telur dgn rongga dalam biasanya cabut semua sekali terus lagipun mmg xpndai makan telur ikan. buang semua lendir-lendir hitam, sbb yg tu la bau dia hanyir sangat. kalau boleh, jgn pecahkan isi2 dlam tu, sbb tend utk sbbkan isi ikan pahit-tah sapa ajar ni tah. dan jangan korek ganas sgt, nnti isi ikan terkeluar skali pastu goreng tulang je. rugi...

Next, turn insang, kalau aku cabut je dgn ganasnya janji semua terkeluar (sbb pisau yg ada pun tumpulkan), else gunting ke koyak dgn pisau, apa2 la janji habis insang. insang ni located slightly bawah kepala ikan, bukan yg dalam perut ikan ye..*ketik*

Part-part nak mencantikkan ikan itu terserah la. ada yang nak gunting sisip dan ekor ada yang tak nak. Haritu (seminggu lepas), sorg kawan, si Uyun, bukan Uyun tukang jahit taman maju ye, telah menyiang ikan yg dibeli di pasar malam (olehku..tapi menyiang suruh org len hihihi), dia buat semua ni. my family tak, bukan budaya kami. kami pemalas kot. haha

--tamat, sila tepuk belakang bahu anda sekarang--

Tips lain pulak, untuk buang bau hanyir, rendamkan dalam air tepung. wow...this is new ilmu, my mum x pna ajar, ke dia tak tahu...hishh...apala Indai ni... da bercucu 3 pun xtau ni. hehehe.. (ckp2 dpan2 dia pun de xkn kecik ati...cayalah..my mum tu sporting :D).

part masak pulak.. hmmm..xmasak lagi smlm, sbb xckup bahan. I wonder kalau-kalau lulus sijil kahwin kalu cmni. hehe. (walhal skrg, lppy terpksa menerima middle finger sbb jari ibu dan telunjuk luka teruk smlm, middle finger je ley menaip :D)

"hi, nama saya pelangi"

Notakaki: lepas siap dan makan bertiga, mesti story-story angan-angan minah jenin kami. hihihi..tp i enjoy this moment. i learned a lot during this final year and in the age of 22. thx to sifu-sifu, Nuzul, Syimao- yumet sayo, Amir (hehe...malu tpi trpksa tanya dia jugak) dan Uyun. Neway, niat dihati untuk menjadikan blog ini informative selain tempat meluahkan gelora jiwa. hihihi

steps to cry ;(

2011-07-05T02:07:00.006+08:00

Yesterday is Monday and well, not much love on Monday except struggles and hectic day. So with mine.

*sigh*

with lack of sleep due to cough the whole night, i went to class and walk like a zombie, the eyes open without full consciousness. so i told myself, it's okay ann, will do the recharge time after class, but unfortunately i have to handle the convo audit thing.

Problematic people, problematic system problematic management, problematic worker, problematic efficiency, problema...problema... my result transcript was said not yet printed, so i have to come again after lunch. i still can smile, just a small and normal matter since i always face such problem with acs/registry. "ya...ya... u guys love to see my cute face kan..that's why keep requesting me to come over and over again". around 2 i came again, and the counter still close till 2.45pm and found out they haven't print the transcript lagi. apa ni??? Alep, a guy that having same case as mine pun bengang and requesting for them to do the printing at that time itself since we were there instead of keep requesting us to come over and over again (they told us to come again tomorrow-means today. waiting punya waiting yg lama, we decided to re-do the check in the list...and found out that our's transcript was there actually, just...hmm xpela. easy said problematic efficiency.

anyway, i just lost hours because of the convo audit.hmmm..still can sabar. and keep go on with my plan to go to the lab. and dlm lab, kerja...kerja...kerja... (due to confidentiality issue, can't really tell the problem in my project). i realized some of the problem before and still hoping for it to-not-happen-as-i-predicted. somehow...

Today, eh yesterday, for the first time i cried for my final year project. i felt so damn frustrated and almost give up on the simulation. well, that time i was alone in the lab. i was lost in the errors occurred in my data file. so i went up to second floor (btw, the lab located in block 15 level 1 room 3, the CAD room), wanted to meet Mr. Ahmad Khanifar (real name) for consultation but disappointedly he wasn't there. arghhhh! i saw 2 of my friends around PE lab not far from there, Nuzul and Rahim but i didn't want to talk or greet them. i just can't afford to do that, all the strength i have is to hold my tears from bursting like a rain. i was so fragile.

i went to the next block planning to meet Mr. Iskandar pulak. and again, just a disappointment. 1 tear running down my cheek. quickly, i ran into the toilet. holding on annie. come on, u r stronger than u thought of. Ok, a pale smile there. then i called one of my friend that i think more expert than me in Eclipse, Arep (just the way i called him), unfortunately he will be having evening class and can't help much. Furthermore he always say this "Ko lebih terrer dpd aku, if ko xtau, aku lagi la xtau" zzzz... tpi, regularly i always persuade him to take a look into my simulation, and he will try his best to repair. Ok, back to the day... all i have is kecewa...kecewa...kecewa...and kecewa...the moment i hang up the phone, tears keep coming out. i cried tanpa segan silu sampai sedu sedan. seriously. Pressure...pressure..pressure sgt.

a few minutes later, when i think i can talk, i dialed this friend, Padil (also the name i called him) that using same simulator. oh thank God, he is available and promised to come in 15mins to my place. Masa ni macam nak jerit kesukaan. Not that i put on hope that he can help me in this problem but at least, i'm not alone anymore. Padil himself said this to me "at least 2 kepala better than 1"

indeed, he is right. at least we managed to do 1 successful run out of 5 trials. Thanks Padil :). tapi (oh...i hate tapi..tapi...but this is real) the result is not really good.... sampai bilik, sembamkn muka terus kat bantal and tak cakap dgn sapa2 till 8.30pm then decided to go to pasar malam with Nela. dapat ikan free, then belajar siang ikan. (orait...kalau rajin, will post on this one), belasah ikan smpai hampir lumat, even Nuzul pun cakap.."ganas seyh"...hehehe...senyum je.. it's just a very tough day ;(

P/s: the frustration makes me eat a lot. for dinner and supper i had; nasi lemak + lauk ikan + sayur, burger goreng, apam balik, kopok udang, bihun + sup sayur, air teh 2 cawan (ni my specialized), ikan yang disiang dan di bakar...amboihhh... tgk bawah, peyot da ke depan. hihihi. lari gi timbang ke bilik Uyun, citet lagi nk 40, ok, consider 40.huahua... kalu tgk gmbr latest kt fb pun nmpk tembam da. tembam2 ni seksi kan. *wink*. thx utk kwn2 dan my mum yg called utk menceriakan sedikit mlm ini :)

menang tidak bermaksud semuanya kegembiraan

2011-06-29T02:12:00.003+08:00

the title sounds cliche? haha haha

in the midst of today's test revision, this thing just can't stop whirling around my mind. so, i walk off the bed and start typing. enough with the pre-posting. masuk mukadimah, make it short, i admit i did bad, wronged to someone badly. just recent.

prologue
there is someone i dislike a lot, not hate-well may be about to. so, i came out with a propaganda, shout it here and there, and even work it out. and 1 day, i think i succeeded in the mission. i won. hmmm there wasn't me alone in this mission. but let me keep those that involved to myself only.

exposition
he-okay, a guy. really insane to me. memang tak dapat diselamatkan punya orang. well, according to the public, 3rd party, he was the antagonist black character in this real-life story.i repeat, he is the bad character. 1st impression, yes he was the one that wronged to us (me and the team). it seem to be no way out of the conflict, which he himself created it. then forcing his spouse to choose the choice that he himself created it too.

rising action
now, balik to the moment that i or we won the mission. yay! semua org rejoice. yay! semua org celebrate it. yay! now the new chapter begins, Yay! happy..happy...smile...smile lorr.

complication
then i look back, hmm not really reviewing the past, just checking on how's his life after he lost. pitiful. ok. to be continue about how pitiful was him, cause at this moment i didn't realize it to the fullest.

while enjoying the pleasure of winning, kebetulan a friend of mine having a rough time. he (jugak) was got fever or injured or something like that la during critical moment of his uni life. just his study life. so we had a few conversation:

me: how r u?
he: no good. sakit.
me: oh really? poor u. damn sakit ke?
he: yess. i got lot of trouble because of this...bla...bla...bla... (told me how bad his bad condition creating bad lifetime in his uni life)
me: (listening and felt pity. and that moment...i came back to what i had reviewed but not analyse to the best yet)

should i call this part climax (intra-personal may be)?
aku adalah orang yang melaung-laungkan perjuangan itu, misi itu, memerah keringat (ceeee...ini tipu..sbb xde peluh pun. air mata adala) untuk jadi si pemenang. aku juga merungkaikan kelemahan pihak lawan, menghunus senjataku terus dan akhirnya pulang dengan kemenangan. tapi 1 saat, aku juga tersedak. apa telah ku lakukan ini. pada dia? lepas kekalahan ini, ku pandang dia..hanya sehelai sepinggang. dia anak yatim, dia si anak angkat yang bakal dibuang keluarganya dek kekalahan ini (justru kesilapannya dulu), dia si ayah yang bakal tidak dikenali anaknya, dia si suami yang dipisahkan dgn isterinya, dia juga bakal si kedana kerana perbuatannya sendiri. sungguh malang. itu terjadi, ya kerana aku menang, tapi permulaannya, i mean the initiator adalah dia sendiri. wahai si tuan blog yang angkuh ini...kau memang jahat (ahahha....tapi post2 before ni asyik puji diri sendiri jak kan..apakah).

maka, saat itu, perasaan bertukar 180 darjah dari yang asal. bunga kegembiraan layu. apa aku sudah lakukan ini? rasa bersalah. sedih. sedikit sesal tapi tetap mahu mempertahankan kemenangan itu, kerana aku fikir itu terbaik. juga aku mula pertikaikan usahaku selama ini. adakah dia betul-betul tidak dapat diselamatkan atau aku yang tidak berusaha sesungguhnya? aaaa...kalut. dia tidak diam walaupun sudah tewas, dia juga melaungkan kebencian pada media bernama Facebook atau buku muka. ada suatu masa di bulan lepas dan lepas lagi aku deactivated akaun sendiri. Ku katakan sebab tidak tahan melihat cemuhan dia pada darah dagingku, tapi sebenarnya juga (tidak disuarakan hanya exclusively aku mengaku di sini) aku tidak tahan rasa bersalah yang teramat sangat. ahhhh hati ini lembut sekali. how i wish i have a strong stubborn cold-hearted heart.

epilogue
(maaf tiada perleraian dalam kisah ini..kerana aku tidak tahu bilakan ada perleraian , jadi biarlah kita melompat ke penghujung)
sekarang siapa menang siapa kalah tidak jelas,yang pasti untuk ia nyata bukan hari ini atau esok atau lusa atau minggu depan atau bulan depan waima mungkin bertahun kemudian. pendek kata, aku menang bukan bermaksud dia kalah, dan dia kalah bukan bermaksud aku menang. tapi aku yakin, sekalipun dia menang, aku tentunya tidak kalah atau salah. asalnya niat misi kami mahu membaikkan yang buruk. tapi dia yang mencipta pilihan. he created choices.

Nota kaki:
-sambung perbualan kami tadi-
me: oh...kesiannya. sorry to hear that. tapi take care lah and get well soon ah.
he: okay. thanks
me: and ...there are many other that are more unfortunate than you. be grateful and appreciate what u have now
he: .....
me: ok. gtg. (dalam hati berdoa...tolonglah dia fahamkan kenyataan ini sgt2. tolonglah... Tuhan ajar dia bersyukur)

taip la selagi rasa nak menaip

2011-06-26T23:52:00.003+08:00

mula mula nk post sbb nak lari dari marathon series sedari petang tadi. tapi entah..sedang jemari menekan punat papan kekunci terasa mcm byk issues pulak nak dismpaikan. yela...lama x post..kalau x sebab bizi (atau membizikan diri untk nampak bizi) sbab kekangan network pulak. alahai...kalau tak pernah cakap before ni then fyi, lepas balik intern aku dapat port internet yg sangat kontra kemampuannya dengan yang sebelum ni dan di rumah pulak. subscribe 2 berok-ben tapi 1 haritu tertinggal di kuching, 1 pulak ada di rumah tpi ujung bulan tu ayah kata nk terminate, xde org pakai...line pun mcm dot dot dot (sedang belajar menjauhi bahasa2 jahat yang telah disemat semasa intern huahuahua). nak tunggu kabel talipon sampai rumah, haaa tunggu aku jadi wakil rakyat. yg wifi wifi ni jalur lebar ke jalur luas jalur xde jalur ke jalur gemilang hmmmm... agaknya tunggu bercucu baru dapat.

Rumah

okay, luahan pertama adalah perihal rumah. ntah kenapa tiba-tiba nak share hal ini. haaa..emo emo emo. zzzzz. well people always ask me where i come from and honestly it's very confusing for me to answer. i was born in Betong but grew up in Kuching. zaman kecik2 kat Betong la. tapi not much that i remember, sbb ingatan masa kecil sejengkal cuma. lagipun kalau cakap dgn dak Malaya bukannya dorg tahu mana Betong tu..nanti akan pnjang pulak explanation.

for this past few years, i don't feel like Betong is my hometown anymore, I barely know people there, i can't cope with people yang stabbed back their own people. conflict recently simple tapi cara orang pikir berbeza-beza. faham jugak la tu. lagipun mungkin ada yang mengumpulkan (accumulate) peristiwa2 lama dan menilai kami seperti itu. accusation towards the family..kalu dikumpul memang beribu, esp dad..tapi ayah tu tabah sangat. dia x datang meeting org persoalkan..kalu pergi meeting paksa dia bagi opinion, bila dia bagi opinion xpernah nak setuju. mcm dianak patungkan (simpulan bahasa apakah ini..ahaha) pun ada. alih2 dihujung cerita cakap belakang2 "Jelie pernah bagi idea tu"...zzzzzz.. haaa..pasal kena saman (oh btw, fyi, di rumah panjang pun ada peraturan (adat) dan hukuman (tunggu)) mmg muka mak dan ayah da biasa menghantar bayaran saman.hik2. rasanya soon..bukan akan kena saman malah kena tohmahan. biarlah..penat dorg bercakap then shut up la. my mum pulak mmg emo sikit tpi cara elakkn dia enjoying her days dgn cucu baru, kakak la kesian sikit..dah masa-masa sarat mengandung dia kena sembur depan-depan..lepas beranak pulak kena duduk di rumah panjang itu dan seharian mendengar bisik-bisik yang menggaru jiwa. takut jugak kalu tertekan dia meroyan. mlm2 mesej sedih-sedih. haihhh.. malangnya kakak kali ini yang aku maksudkan adalah tunggal bukan duo, kerana aku tidak tahu dimana yang satu itu dan jika tahupun entahkan ada bahunya untuk kami bersandar atau mungkin dibaginya bebanan lagi..hmmm

wahai orang kampung, aku sedar aku kamu dia dan mereka adalah manusia...kita puna karakter berbeza dan mudah menghakimi lantas bertindak terburu-buru, tapi andai aku di kaki kamu, nescaya aku takkan bertindak begituan..yelah..kerana aku bukan kamu. pandangan pertama itu aku takkan ambil kira jika kalian memperbetulkannya. akan aku padamkan ingatan pada tindakan kasarmu (seperti menyepak gelasku atau menarik baju ayahku) jika kalian senyum ikhlas tanda damai. tidak perlu kalian perah otakmu untuk mentafsir sebarang tragedi atau sebarang keputusan kerana semuanya punya alasan tersendiri, cukuplah kalau kalian letakkan kaki kalian di kasut kami. bukan emas permata mahupun sebarang bentuk material yang menjadi pertaruhan kali ini, tapi nyawa..nyawa..fahamkah kalian?

Okay fine..taip2 pun rasanya xde org baca. sebab "privatization" (next topic). kalau ikutkan pandangan sekarang, memang takkan ku teruskan kehidupan berumah panjang, kalau menjadi pendatang yang pastikan pergi, itu takkan ku tolak. xpelah sebab adik bakal mewarisi semuanya. perhaps!

Privatization

definisinya...gogel la sendiri. kalau sudah belajar Malaysian Study atau Pengajian Malaysia mesti anda sudah ketemu maksudnya.

i'm no good in writing, but still wants to write. sometimes it's over-emotional sometimes it's too ridiculous and of course most of the time it'll destroy any language that i able speak and write. i have deleted some of my posts sbb it does hurt some people, sensitive issue or request by some people to remove it. orang cakap tak pandai menulis jangan menulis tapi degil jugak. tak pasal-pasal berlaku peristiwa cokelet (lebih gelap dari kelabu tapi x sejahat sngt mcm itam) seperti beberapa bulan lepas. xpelah, nobody's perfect kan.

jadi sebenarnya blog ini ada kemungkinan tiada pembaca (ini tak kot..sbb ada yg mula menyiasat fakta dan auta disebalik certain posts hahaha) atau ada seketul dua silent reader. ahaha.. people only connected and aware of this if the go through my info in fb. dulu pernah link kan blog ini dgn twitter tapi itu dulu ketika twitter ada berbelas followers. sekarang da nak mengejar 3 angka jadi da remove, juga telah meminta beberapa bloggers lain menanggalkan link blog ini dari page mereka. kerana di hujung hari, terutamanya hari-hari yang menekan jiwa atau jiwa kacau, aku akan mencari sesuatu untuk melepaskan keluh kesah didalam. sebenarnya tak suka sgt kalu membiarkan peperangan organ dalaman..kesian mereka (faktanya perempuan dgn lelaki agak berbeda ya..kalau lelaki mereka boleh pendam masalah tapi perempuan hanya puas selepas meluah, kebanyakkanlah..x semua). sebagai contoh, sekarang mmg era fyp atau final year project atau projek tahun akhir. semua orang tertekan, semua orang sesak, berduka, murung, sesat dalam projek masing-masing, jadi untuk meluahkan secara verbal antara satu sama lain kan takut menjadi bebanan pada dia tak pun jadi batu sandungan. kalau hal-hal belajar ini tak boleh ikut prinsip Titanic, 'u jump, i jump'..xbole..xbole. semua ada matlamat masing-masingkan. sekalipun aku punya seseorang yang aku kurang berkenan dihati selepas apa yang dia lakukan padaku di waktu lepas, takkan aku smpai hati melihat dia jatuh dalam studynya. percayalah, aku tetap aku yang dulu yang baik itu.huahuahua. kalau aku pernah katakan "i'll accompany u till the graduation and do hope we'll grad with good grades" maka, jika apa-apa terjadi di tempoh hingga graduation aku atau kamu nescaya aku takkan biarkan engkau terjatuh pun. wowwwww...puitis siottt..mesti kalu aku re-read ni 2 3 hari nanti aku akan tergelak sorang2..ahahha

maka sedarlah privatization itu keperluan juga. sedar akan fakta ini bila seorang kwn tweet kata dia tiada punya ruang sendiri kerana publicize of every social network dia..hurmmm harap aku tidak terlambat untuk lari daripada itu. siapa kata artis sahaja boleh glamer? kita manusia biasa ada yg terlebih awal glamer daripada mereka. twitter, fb, fs etc etc kan punya connection saentero dunia..dunia tanpa sempadan katakan.

kalau nak buat ranking social network aku sekarang, rasanya yang paling risky dan bahaya adalah twitter. sometimes i wrote where am i, n sometimes i don't, sometimes i share what i felt, taste, think and most of the time i post on what i'm doing. sometimes cari glamer..sometimes mencarut..sometimes mencari orang oh macam2 la. even kt dunia ni, pernah org kena draged g court and get jailed sbb twitter, she tweeted the process of her son dying by drowning in the pool, ironically she got time to tweet but no time to save the kid. macam2.

abaikanlah labu..

pergilah jika itu menyenangkanmu. pergilah jika itu yang kau fikir terbaik. tinggalkanlah jika engkau tidak mampu lagi. tapi ingat, tidak pernah ku minta kau menggalasnya seorang. berkali ku kata lebih dari seorang itukan lagi indah manfaatnya. tapi ya...itu keputusanmu. 'tiada guna pahlawan perkasa andai dia bukan laksama berani'. pada engkau, jika kau terasa, maaf. pada engkau pula, renungkanlah keperkasaanmu untuk menjadi terlalu berani. relevan kah dua kondisi itu.

pada suatu ketika yang genting, teringat akan teman-teman yg seangkatan diwaktu itu, tidak pasti pula kalau kami masih seangkatan sekarang. tapi dia yang menujukan lagu "Jar of heart" itu, terima kasih saudari. Lagu itu masih menjadi fevretku. cuma sudah kurang mendengar kerana aku hampir mencapai tahap yang selesa. oh ya...aku pun tujukan pada engkau..tapi entah, mungkin jar yang aku sorongkan, engkau lepaskan lantas pecah berderai di laman cintamu. hahahha. apakah. ini dah super mencarut. tapi ya, aku kecewa. dan aku khuatir andai engkau yang mengumpul sisa-sisa kaca ini berseorangan nanti. sebab kalau aku sudah dihadapan aku tak mahu kembali kebelakang lagi. biarlah seperti labu si luncai yang dihanyut di air. terus hanyut tapi bertemu puteri cantik dikemudian hari. aku percaya ada rezeki indah untukku di masa hadapan. ayah kan cakap "susah yang kau sudah rasakan, senang lagi belum", mungkin kau terlupa.

nak tambah ayat konfiden tinggi; sebenarnya ini berlaku kerena i deserve better. hahahahhahaha. lagipun, payah sebenarnya untuk engkau, engkau dan engkau semua mencari another me. yela...manusia ni kan unik..mana ada 2 org yg sama. ish, mengarut.

oklah...penat mencarut. jari pendekku ini lincah je lagi untuk menari tapi idea da kering. ada lagi kot...cuma save utk next post. :D

p/s: tersenyum bangga buat post dalam bahasa melayu level tinggi dari bahasa pasar. ahahhaha

$$$ and me

2011-06-25T18:04:00.002+08:00

everyone know what is money (briefly), how it looks like and what currency to be used. well.. not all aware what actually it is defined as; so let's curi the the wiki's definition; Money is any object or record, that is generally accepted as payment for goods and services.

totally agree with that, i use money to pay for my good, their goods, other's goods..good goods or even bad goods (hahaha..kidding, not doing anything illegal yet..kot), or for the services; positive services, negative services or even so-so services (oh apakah ini).

(take a break jap..kwn ajak lepak kafe V5 terchenta)-- bau-bauan money akan terbang ni :( :( :(

ok, da balik. ha-ha-ha-ha ketawa kehilangan duit. sangat2 kehilangan duit bulan ini, demi FYP. zzzz. ~~(even kena cancel mcm2 plan nak berjimba dan berjalan2 dan memanjakan diri)~~

well, i'm not good in financial management. obviously. ok xnak cakap how i spend the money but you can see what i bought, baru 3 n half years in UTP i had 32 pairs of shoes/sandals/heels already. gilooo. xnak cakap..xnak cakap..xnak cakap tapi gadgets study seperti kerabat2 komputer riba ni pun semua da berpair or berganti at least sekali. xnak cakap xnak cakap yang i posted or couriered the clothes (only!) to Sarawak for 30+kg...ada lagi xhntar ni, belum masuk yang mmg dipakai hari2. dah dah. betul2 xnak cakap dah!

ashamed of myself, never learn to earn (the truth, didn't have the opportunity) yet spending like u owns all the money in the world. attach 3 hari kat KLCC pun da spend hundreds $$ on meals zzzzz...padahal student lagi.

recently, due to stress doing fyp (hmmmmm...everyone kot), i let it go by dreaming..huahuahua.. so i made a wishlist seperti; skydiving (course cost: 2000+, ford fiesta sport: 100k+, bungee jump, ambk yang kat sunway suda (tapikan...kan...nak jugak buat kat bali time sunset huwaaaa..haolioa): kalau buat time study 60+ or da kerja 100+, i-mac dekstop:4000+, hair treatment:400++ ke atas jugak la, jam fossil: x survey lagi, I-phone: tggu iphone 5 la..mesti atas 2000+ xpun i-pad..gegege, nak spa rambut, spa kaki, spa badan..oh tak masuk lagi jalan2 ke sana sini kemari kemara kemuru...hoke. somehow in the end of the wishlist (which i stamp on the board) i wrote this: SIAPKAN FYP dgn SUKSESNYA!!! yep! that's the key to the wishlist yang mengarut dan membotakkan kepala sendiri itu.

on top the dreams that i dreamed... i woke up and still awake. eh..jap..mcm mna nk susun ni. hmm let say it like this.. i received money (not a little value for a student like me) out of sudden , not a salary nor a price..but a love gift for something i did before. which is something that is very easy, handling the kids. and the minute i received it i decided to give it away, to those or anything that need it more than i do, though i had the wishlist already. hmmm not saying that i am good or kindhearted or something coz i am not compare to the person that gave that money to me. he has gave away the amount i got x10 (to 10 person ok)..well.. u still nothing compare to him, ann. (whoever that person is, thanks for helping me notice the distance i’ve traveled in the journey so far) .hmm xpa, i'm not saying i was good enough in the past, nor pass this current but i want to be better in the future.

Researchers who study happiness say people who value experiences tend to be happier than those who value things. but i don’t think that’s a lesson u can just slap on like cologne. u have to do some experimenting. u have to live a little life and find out on ur own. the thing is, it’s easy to miss the changes that take place in ur lives, the lessons we’ve learned, the ways we’ve grown. it all usually happens in such small steps over a long period of time.

Yes, money not everything but it does something.

P/s: If you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can't buy. senyummmmmmmmmm. it's time to grow up lady, we receive the love, the blesses, the good news, calm and joyful words and now it's time to accept the challenges mentioned too.

someone that walks in even the whole world walks out

2011-05-08T17:03:00.003+08:00

Bukannya senang nak cari kawan yang baik .

Bukan senang juga nak menjadi kawan yang baik .

Kawan yang baik tak pernah mengumpat di belakang kawan baik nya.

Kawan yang baik tak pernah cemburu dengan kejayaan kawan baik nya.

Sebaliknya kawan yang baik lah yang paling banyak membantu kawan baik nya

untuk mencapai kejayaan.

Kawan yang baik tak pernah mempengaruhi kawan baik nya untuk membuat

perkara yang buruk dan sia-sia.

Kawan yang baik adalah orang yang selalu menasihati kawan baik nya untuk

berbuat kebaikan.

Kawan yang baik adalah orang pertama yang akan dicari bila tiba masa sedih

atau gembira.

Kawan baik menjadi tempat kita meluahkan perasaan yang tak dapat diluahkan

kepada kawan biasa.

Kawan yang baik tak pernah memaksa kawan baik nya untuk sentiasa berada

disisinya.

Kawan yang baik tak pernah melarang kawan baik nya untuk berkawan dengan

kawan yang baik .

Kawan yang baik tak pernah cemburu jika kawan baik nya mempunyai ramai

kawan baik , kerana kawan yang baik tahu apa yang paling baik untuk kawan baik nya.

Kawan yang baik akan sentiasa mendoakan kesejahteraan dan kebahagiaan

kawan baik nya di dalam doanya.

Kita adalah kawan yang baik jika kita faham bahawa kawan baik kita

bukanlah seorang yang sempurna. Kita adalah kawan yang baik jika kita

menjadi kawan yang baik kepada kawan baik kita.

Kita bukanlah kawan yang baik jika kita tidak menghargai kawan baik kita,

kerana kawan yang baik akan sentiasa menghargai kawan baik nya.

Kita bukanlah kawan yang baik jika kita tidak memberitahu perkara yang

baik kepada kawan baik kita, kerana kawan yang baik akan selalu

menyampaikan perkara yang baik kepada kawan baik nya.

Dan kalau kita nak dapat kawan baik yang baik, kita mesti lebih dahulu

menjadi seorang kawan yang baik ...kepada kawan baik kita.

Dan marilah kita sama-sama menjadi kawan baik yang baik...!!!!!

Easier say than do

2011-05-01T17:00:00.001+08:00

Knowing that what you want not always the best u deserves to have. Hence u took this road. Which I can say road not taken, make it too blur for u to predict the future. So, ignore it, don’t emphasize so much on the destination as that u to miss little experience along the way. There must be blessing in disguise. Oh well, u can tell me easier say than do.

When everything is falling apart, there's no reason to fall with it. Definitely, cause when you look into yourself and u’ll discover a hero within yourself, just like a voice within a song which empower that art. Have a little faith in yourself. And you'll see how things change! Easier say than do, no! It’s easy, just search within your soul.

I've learned that good-bye will always hurt. I've tried for you and I've cried for you... I don't know what else to do. Words even can never replace feelings. You can try to forget the feeling and the pain, but you’ll never forget the memories that burn deep inside and as memories no matter good and bad will always bring tears. Whatever, forget the past and move on. Hope is not the last thing to lose. Life goes on even after you’ve lost or when there’s nothing left to lose. Again, easier say than do, but this time around don’t do just belief, there is HOPE.

U just made a decision that turns your life 180 degree different from now. U are tough enough. Walking opposite direction than u used to is not easy. Encouragement, comments and counseling might won’t ease u any inch. Well, really understood that easier say than do.

Life is sorrow, overcome it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it.

Life is a duty, complete it. Life is a promise, fulfill it.

Life is a game, play it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is life, fight for it

Life is a beauty, admire it. Life is a dream, realize it. Life is a song, sing it.

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is a challenge, meet it!

Mother Teresa.

P/s: Oh.. it costs nothing to say something kind. Even less to shut up altogether. But, please know that I’m by ur side, enjoying the upcoming journey.

the Princess and the Frog

2011-04-15T12:19:00.002+08:00

Forest Gump Famously said “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get”. Totally agree with that, life is unexpected, God's plan is beyond anyone knowledge, I also think that life is like a trampoline too…

When I said life is like a trampoline, I defined it with two meaning; the way it’s been played and the way it works:

Life is like a trampoline, you never know what you’re going to bounce to next
This world is like a trampoline, high and low no in between

Hmmm…

Again God's plan is beyond anyone knowledge, somehow He wants us to meet a few wrong people, so that when we finally find the right one... we'll know how to be grateful.
It's just like the story of "The Princess and The Frog". The princess met the frog, dated with the frog before she found the real prince.

Definitely you, I myself, she and ladies will meet a few or “a” or a lots of wrong guys before we found the right one. Thankful to the wrong one, as it help us to differentiate between wrong and right. Avoid so-so, it won’t promise a finite satisfaction – remember the trampoline, no in between. Finally smile of happiness when u look back and u knew that the wrong left you for you to find the right one or if that wrong ever come back, make sure he is the new one..just like the frog that turned into a prince.

Notakaki:
I won’t blame the wrong one. And the prince is there, in the end of the journey with the frog.
Btw, ini bukan post "menyenangkan hati" tapi "a wake up call" post

ajaran lurus untuk diri sendiri #2: tenaaaaang...

2011-03-29T23:08:00.001+08:00

Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn't change anything. It messes with your mind and steals your happiness.

But worriless make you effortless

Then worry when it's about the time for it to come.

Prepare for the worst will solve any problem!

That preparation is effort. Tadaaa!

Anyway, worrying makes u uglier and older

See...kan da lebih huduh berbanding gambar di atas

P/s:

sooo right

2011-03-27T22:47:00.002+08:00

Choice and choosing

2011-03-23T00:52:00.001+08:00

For everything there is a season,

And a time for every matter under heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;

A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to seek, and a time to lose;

A time to keep, and a time to throw away;

A time to tear, and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate,

A time for war, and a time for peace.

P/s: So tepuk dada tanya selera. Right thing right everytime. Oh talking about that, tomorrow is the presentation. Praying for it to be something right timing, right mood, right person and right attitude. All the best si kecik. Move on!

ajaran lurus untuk diri sendiri #1 : strong

2011-03-21T17:20:00.004+08:00

Just because her eyes don't tear doesn't mean her heart doesn't cry. Just because she comes off strong doesn't mean there's nothing wrong.

But she's strong because she knows what it's like to be weak. She keeps a guard up because she knows what it's like to cry herself to sleep.

Real Woman is classy, strong, independent, loyal and lovable. One thing about her is she knows she deserve better.

O-mak-aih...

Here am I, not a girl and not yet a woman :D

yezzzaaaa!

Last, terimalah pantun 6 kerat saya;

Kusangkakan panas hingga ke petang,

Rupanya hujan di tengah hari,
Kusangkakan lancar kentang kentang,
Rupanya tidak sama sekali,

Jadi ingatlah ini pantang larang,

Jangan menyangka sesuka hati.

ewaaahhh. weee...hebak2.

Don't want an ending

2011-03-18T13:21:00.001+08:00

I don't wanna fall out

But we're all out of time

(Is this over?)

(Don't want an ending)

In one day

No way you'll be mine

(Is this over?)

(Don't want an ending)

Ooohhh...

My heart is running on empty

One more day and then we go

Yeah, the time goes on now

Don't ask me how

I don't know

We'll be home tomorrow

But a thousand miles too far away

Say you won't forget and i'll be okay

At least tonight

It's just you and me and honestly

That's everything i need

I don't wanna fall out

But we're all out of time

(Is this over?)

(Don't want an ending)

In one day

No way you'll be mine

(Is this over?)

(Don't want an ending)

Tonight's the countdown

'Till the day we're not around

(Is this over?)

(Don't want an ending)

And you're gone

And we're on with our lives

(Is this over?)

(Don't want an ending)

I don't want an ending

The days turn to hours

And it's just a moment before they go

I'm scared to say goodbye cause

What's after that

I don't know

But how's the years past us

If we lose track or lose the fight

I will search for ever to find the way back to you tonight

Where it's just you and me and honestly

That's everything i need

I don't wanna fall out

But we're all out of time

(Is this over?)

(Don't want an ending)

In one day

No way you'll be mine

(Is this over?)

(Don't want an ending)

Tonight's the countdown

'Till the day we're not around

(Is this over?)

(Don't want an ending)

And you're gone

And we're on with our lives

(Is this over?)

(Don't want an ending)

I don't want an ending

We say "See ya, later"

But I know there's no way

Arounds here again

And every until next time

Feels like one back punch line

And I don't want that again.

I don't wanna fall out

But we're all out of time

(Is this over?)

(Don't want an ending)

In one day

No way you'll be mine

(Is this over?)

(Don't want an ending) (x2)

Tonight's the countdown

'Till the day we're not around

(Is this over?)

(Don't want an ending)

And you're gone

And we're on with our lives

(Is this over?)

(Don't want an ending)

I don't want an ending

P/s: Buat slides sikit twitter,buat sikit, youtube.bileee ntah nak siap!

Jika anda tak tahu saya dari sekarang

2011-03-17T23:49:00.002+08:00

Just want to share some song.
I just keep playing it while doing this ef-why-pi. Nothing personal.

Credit to American Idol 10 (ep. 18), and again the supplier Icad.

This song was sang by Simple Red.

If you don't know me by now

You will never never never know me

All the things that we've been through

You should understand me like I understand you

Now girl I know the difference between right and wrong

I ain't gonna do nothing to break up our happy home

Oh don't get so excited when I come home a little late at night

Cos we only act like children when we argue fuss and fight

If you don't know me by now (If you don't know me)

You will never never never know me (No you won't)

If you don't know me by now

You will never never never know me

We've all got our own funny moods

I've got mine, woman you've got yours too

Just trust in me like I trust in you

As long as we've been together it should be so easy to do

Just get yourself together or we might as well say goodbye

What good is a love affair when you can't see eye to eye, oh

If you don't know me by now (If you don't know me)

You will never never never know me (No you won't)

If you don't know me by now (You will never never never know me)

You will never never never know me (ooh)

kemuncak (so-called) AF

2011-03-15T23:35:00.002+08:00

How I met u

It’s started with a shaky, emotional, messy, pagal evening eh night about 1.5 months ago (doubt it I should put ‘s’ or not). I went visiting my friends’ room by room. Not much improvement toward positivity that I felt then I cross the pathway to the opposite house. And there, another friend of mine nye room. As I entered I saw her housemate enjoy singing melalak like there are no other people around. They are karaokeing. Tempted. Actually I didn’t know these fellas but since their ‘party’ look attractive and enjoyable so I urge that friend of mine to accompany me to seludup masuk. So that’s it, I went in without malu2, even neither of us know each other but they willingly shared that findings. It is karaokeParty. Itulah orang tua-tua kata, malu bertanya sesat jalan, malu mendayung perahu hanyut, kurang malu untuk tahu menambah ilmu. Hik hik hik.

Pengaruh rakan sebaya

Karok itu perkara biasa sebenarnya. Tapi untuk nyanyi di siang hari memang jarang la unless balik rumah. Di rumah jangan cakap la, adik ada set karaoke sndri, tumpang sekaki la. Me and my sisters and bro pun always enjoy karaoking whenever there are family gathering. But that in Sarawak, back here, I rarely karaoking during the day, mlm jgn cerita, as I said perkara biasa. Since I got this website, I never have the chance to open it coz my lovely LAN port is sooooo unfavourable. But after I selongkar2, tendang2, cabut2, bantai2, cium2 and cuba jaya gagal cuba jaya lagi, finally it got better. But, I just forgot to try.

Make it short, last night this happen ;

Diary of the day

So apalagi, after GFE tutorial, took lunch and then start access the website. Laju. Senyum.

From tone deaf I became stable in wannabe and sometimes amateur :). Really enjoy singing All by Myself. Gara-gara american idol yang beta tgh layan la ni. Credit to Icad sbg sumber yang paling setia dan cekap dan pantas. Since 2.30pm till 4.40pm. Lepas penat dan sakit tekak, I take a nap. Tiada rasa bersalah langsung untuk revision. Esok test kot. Haihhh… huduh tol perangai.

Suratan atau kebetulan?

I heard it was heavy raining outside but none of my business, moreover, it catalyst my sleeping mood. When I woke up, I found some “hot” but not hot to those effected.

Kereta yang diparkir di V1D

3 kereta dihempap [pandangan dari atas V2 foyer]
Sumber: UTPdaily

Suratan atau kebetulan kah? Sorry, I was singing the whole evening anyway.

P/s: Ini kisah benar tetapi hipotesis adalah bicara neuron semata-mata. I am not a superstitious just for variety of my post. ahahaha. apaka?

Reason vs. Excuse

2011-03-15T00:43:00.004+08:00

Ini satu lagi emo2 post. Before that, lets learn the meaning of those words:

Reason = a cause, explanation, or justification. (good or obvious cause to do something)

Excuse = seek or serve to justify (a fault or offence); mitigate

(source: Concise Oxford Dictionary 10th Edtn)

Sorry, I x greet u lagi since yesterday. Not avoiding, just I guess we also haven’t have the chance to talk to each other kan. It happened, heard, read and written. As u and I both know that words that been said can’t be pulled back. It was done and yes I was hurt. Still. Maybe. Do hope it will get better as time pass by. Let bygones be bygones (this should be said to me..to me and not to you).

Recently people told me that I make excuses to what am I now. Hello… things happened for a reason, right? And that reason that lead to my action is the excuse that u said I made up. Making excuse is a verb but for my case, those so-called excuse to u which for me is the reason I acted that way, is the thing that within me, overwhelms me, whirling around me, changes me, influence me and lead me. Again, thing happened for a reason, and to me I did something with a reason.

Those excuses I gave to everyone. Don’t take it personally, and that’s the truth. What I didn’t say is what I don’t feel nor think. I will be fine. Not that long for me to be fine. Soon. But I don’t know you. Anyway, sorry, sincerely.

Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.

mei-rong maha-wangsa

2011-03-14T20:44:00.004+08:00

While Celcom or any other communication provider sibuk2 promoting free ticket to watch the movie sambil urging the user to keep topup, or do calls etc, I just smiled and proudly said "oh da tengok da". The trip to Penang gave me opportunity to watch it with 5 guys merangkap friends of mine. @Queensbay GSC, 9.50pm session on the day after the premier.

Watchable- Malaysian, i would suggest this one. I can say that this is the first Malaysian movie that i watched in cinema that not really disappointing me (well, bape ketul je yg i watched in cinema). It does make me laugh sometimes and keep my attention, sometimes. Even i was so tired after the long journey, still i didn't fall asleep.
Cinematography, not bad but need improvement. some scenes obviously done fast forward, and the camera pusing2 in Goa scene make it slower,please. There is nothing wrong in making camera pusin2 (bak kata org Swak) but it must with certain reasonable speed.
Don't really get the part after the Garuda attack that Merong climbed up the platform. Don't really understand what happen or i was too lumpy to catch that.
Good thing about it is it just not have the plot that want to be shown but some ideas of logic and knowledge, i mean the Archimedes theory also there. Somehow it wasn't elaborate enough to educate the audience. and i guess, it will need more instrument to satisfy the theory (if it is not in the actual then make one) so that the people will enjoy the 'ummphhh' and say "whoooaaaaaa"
Now actors and actresses, i like Rachman la..he got good body...huk2...sorry guys jgn jeles. though no 6 packs but he got "wings". Embok pulak...hmm can say that she is quite amateur to be in the movie. Especially epic movie like this. ~~Entah kenapa KRU chose her, ada scandal ka?~~
Voice projection, again i have to blame Embok, she is so weak in the voice projection, i know people will critics a lot in the pronouncation but, since we aren't and can't turn back time to hear how actually Langkasuka people speaks back then then i can't say much here. To the actor/actress and the director, they are the one that should study it. Then the Chinese princess, seems it quite weird for her and the maiden to speak in English all the time. Understood that she is educated with English literature since she should get married to a Roman prince, but Chinese is her native language. Oh so many buts.
Effects...ok ok.
Plot and timing. Hmmm not much comment. Just not crystally shown the exact timing, sebulan ke preparation of the revenge tu? Sebulan je ke Merong belajar with guru?
Script - Bolehlaaaa.. Learned: "keris besinya datang dari tahi bintang, apa salahnya diintai dari tudung saji, hanya jauhari mengenal manikam, empangan yang pecah mana kan dapat ditahan airnya" etc. etc. but some queries on " we will reach the beach in a few hours (dah ada istilah jam,minit ke masa ni?), empangan (i don't think this is the one dalam kosa kata klasik zaman dahulu but there is something else to represent empangan) yang pecah manakan dapat ditahan airnya, mengikut logiknya (wow, this word is too modern to be said in that era. rasanya filem epic akan guna penjelasan yg panjang as 'kalau yang diterima akal' ) idea Archimedes" etc etc. In the end, those quotes became our favourite lines. Hohoho
Thumbs up anyway for the movie. It has set a benchmark for Malaysian epic and action movie.

P/s: Make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to gooodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your timeline.

and to the writer,

"Okay folks, God wants you to get after it and make a difference through your life!" I'm ready! Let's begin today. Now! FYP menunggu (presentation next week ok!), PPO menadah (dah kena restart anew..aparaaa, kena marah pun dah :( ) , GFE menanti (test lusa, senyum~), EIS meminta (x start pape lagi nih). ~~and..oh hati, jgn menangis lagi~~

Ok.bye.

sendiri tanya sendiri jawab

2011-03-10T23:44:00.002+08:00

~~[Ini adalah alkisah hari pertama cuti (cuti laaaa sgt) midsem~~]

Da dinner?

Yep. French fries. (senyum)

How do feel today?

Nak cite full ke?

Pagi after bangun- feel like i'm having hangover, tido bgn tido bgn ann tido pun tak kualiti kan.

Tgh hari-bru start ckp dgn org, bkn cakap sorg2. ada sense lapar jugak datang, wow it's a good sign, i'm still a human (smile!).

Petang - nap jap, recharge mata kesian kornea mata beta ni asyik terdedah dengan debu Tronoh. And then went out. That "outing" really have a big impact on my life right now. Arrrrggghhh!

Wow...cool. Apa jadi? Cecite cecite.

Privatelah! No comment (jwpn artis sunggoh).

Ish! ngade! Kua ngan sapa?

Ha! itu lagi xley gtau. Opppssss siii! (ini yg ipien dari skuad paling-tinggi-lampai suka terjah ni)

Huh! then is it smtg good or smtg bad?

Hmmm.. at the moment, not really good but for future, perhaps!

Ayoo..confuse. Apa ni weyh?

...............

They key point is CONFUSE. So same with me and dia tu. Cop!, dia confuse make me confuse. It's like Y upset to X because X upset with Y that upsetting with X. Makin confuse? Then welcome to the club!

Macam2. So is this a problem or a situation?

Can i say both? X fhm sgt what do you want ni?

Tadaaa! Now i make u confuse. yeahh...

Derrrrr... (tangan di dada, mata ke tepi)

Oklah, so apa impactnya sekarang?

Mcm2 ada.

Specific, please.

Eeeee bz body. Secara physicalnya, dada ni degup2 kencang cm org neves nk kena pinang..huahua... i can feel my own beat. Sgt2 terasa sgt2. sgttt..sangat... Oh da bunyi pelik da. xtau asal, tnda2 makan hati kot.ngeh3. tp sies la mlm ni xkn jd mlm yg productive. xley study, xley pk, asek nk termenung, nk ngs tp cm terlekat smwer. Bak kata pepatah, mndi x basah, tdo xlena, makan x kenyang, berak pun x lalu. Yerk!

Eh..ini mcm description org putus cinta ke org angau.

Mana2 kau la mangkuk. Jap ar...aku nk smbg ni. tp jauh di sudut hati tersimpan harapan sebesar Tanjung Harapan yg discovered by Bartolomew Diaz (mood Malaysian Study la kan) tu. Tapi harapan tinggal harapan. kan? Ahhhhh. Itu apa yang hati tahu, ini apa yg kepala tahu, bkan fikir, bkan teka tapi tahu. Not that i think, but i know. This might be the best solution la ann. You might want to do anything to save it but is it worthwhile? Hmmm tepuk2 dada tu kuat sikit bagi tanggal "kotorann degil" yg da kau simpan berbulan2 tu. Aduhhhh..lemah la bila ckp part ni. Skip eh, rasa lapar lak.

Lapar??? Kata da dinner?

Mm hmm. I threw up td.

Wuiitt. Pegnen ka?

Duhhh!! Aku masih dara ok. Haha..quote kegemaran housemate aku since tgk cite 'Aku masih dara'. Tahla...sejak umo no krg cntik ni, bila tension, susah hati ke i cannot eat or if i eat i will vomit it back. Mcm laut bergelora setinggi 5m lam perut ni. Tsunami kot. Xkua kt atas kua kt bawah smpai perut kosng. Tu la pasal x gemuk2. i have to eat more sbb i know i need energy and i need food. haihhh..mcm nak demam pun ada. ke da demam da.

Depress..depress..

Baru dengar tu. Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul. Ok la, nk ambk eshklem. Td muntah smpai rasa acid perut terkeluar skali. haihhhhh...sadisnya kehidupan.

Klik! Interview tamat. Interview la sangat. Inilah padahnya duduk sorang-sorang untuk masa yang lama. Tend untuk merapu, brcakap sorang-sorang dan malas bercakap dengan orang. Bahaya..bahaya. Jadi tuan tuan dan puan puan di rumah, sila awas anak anda yang bermain dengan anak patung Barbie atau babi. Oke. Thx for reading.

P/s: Really, diet paling effective-makan hati. Tp awas, ada org makan hati smbil makan roti. No no no no

x-y chats before and after

2011-03-07T22:06:00.003+08:00

BEFORE:

BOY: A, B, C

GIRL: huh?

BOY: Always Be Careful

GIRL: ahh and then?

BOY: D, E, F, G

.........

BOY: Don't Ever Forget That

GIRL: ForGet That

BOY: I'm H, I

BOY: Happilly Inlove

GIRL: so

BOY: J, K, L, M, Just Keep Loving Me

GIRL: and how about N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z ?

BOY: (thinks)

BOY: No Other Person Quite, Reasonable, Shall Treat U Very Well Xcept me You'll

Zee

to make it short,

then they,

oh shuwiiiiiitnyeeee

and hoping for

somehow,

so close

hence,

and AFTER that:

A Gtalk/YM/Skype Chat between An EX x-y
Girl : Hey
Boy : Hey =)
Girl : How are you ?
*Boy types : I'm Miserable ! I need you Back ! I Miss you ! I LOVE YOU ! ! ! * Then Erased it..
Boy : I'm Fine.. (tabahnya laah)

end of the story. Daaaa.

nota kaki (kepada yg selama ini sy x menjawab or bg jawapan yg krg berpatutan harganya..apakah): so, if someone asked me what kind of guy that i want , and i'll answer someone who is not strong , not strong enough to leave me . perhaps? [well, actual vs theory to be 100% is extremely rare phenomenon]

i am #4?

2011-02-28T00:20:00.003+08:00

Paid 13bucks for a midnite movie with hope it'll cheer up my gloomy days (note: i'm sms-ing with my sis about unpleasant topic during the watch). Well, here are my 10 review on this movie:

slow plot, it's quite boring
too typical love story..expected action by hero-heroin..apa ni..bollywood ka?
an action movie that overwhelms by Glee drama...watderrrr..
my friends told me that, it is common to have cheerios-quarterback thingy in American schools but they do have other choice of sport to be infiltrated in the movie..well be creative please
i might have too high expectation on the movie (since the prologue of it is damn good) but honestly the overall is disappointing me (sorry im a spoiler alert)
action cinematography: so-so, they have power man, why don't utilize it?
the background of that no. 4 guys and alien things..i'm still blur about it..their fight objective is unclear
i guess the director mindset while filming this is like "definitely will have it's sequel"..but will people craving for it so much since the 1st one is just so-so
but you can enjoy watching that good looking guy, and since i am a girl, of course i'm not really into Quinn (in Glee) in that movie. her voice is a spoiler and her professionalism as a photographer not that intensely shown (soooo disappointed, sdgkan art of photography is very wide yet deep). i don't know why i can't admire this heroin (kalau selama ni, wow, i easily marveled by the acting of the actresses). (well, anyway for me, her voice is too sengau that make me assumed that her face brought her to the heroin position and acting in Glee)
Anyway, in the end (hahaha...u guys mustn't want to watch it after i told u this), that Glee school (i guess, it looked alike) has been destroyed..siann...no wonder lmbt kluar Glee's upcoming episode-just finish ep 14 anyway.

Dah, penat kutuk hasil kerja org. Haha. Been experienced that, it make me down (pastu siap marah org tu sbb kutuk selancang lancangnya..sian dia huhu). But kamon la... jangan jadikan kritikan batu sandungan, strive harder then...and learn to improve. buang yang keruh ambik yang jernih. learning and experiencing is something you cannot avoid or delay as life getting harder day by day. Life is beautiful anyway..enjoy it.

2! is >1

2011-02-27T13:26:00.003+08:00

Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

If you love two person at one time, then choose the second one
Cause, if you really love the first you won't love another one

And, my opinion, love is not a gallon of water,that can be measured, so much for u, and u and oh save sum for bla...bla..

P/s: Semuanya gara2 kerap karok dan exposed sgt dgn lagu2 rock kapak, cntoh plg tepat "Di sana menanti di sini menunggu". haiiihh..human...human..

Surat layang lelayang layang

2011-02-23T00:38:00.004+08:00

(Amaran: Ini adalah urusan orang yang citet lagi nak gee-low)

Ini!

Distraction to my happiness!

Sis,

Please… make it right this time. Please. Pity mum, pity dad and pity us, your sibling, and moreover your sons. To tell you the truth, I can’t live with that jerk. It’s too hard to accept him in our family. All this while, I just look at him as our guest, he came home with insurance of going out again. Spare some for yourself as well. You never have the say as long you are with him. Beaten, scolded, and I don’t know what else. Sis, I’m sorry, you have to choose between us or him. Full stop.

Jerk,

Stop with your carte blanche attitude. It irritated everyone, EVERYONE. It’s too late now for you to come back. You’ve done enough. You, big headed stubborn irresponsible jerk make me hating guys, thanks for that. Honestly, to watch you get your butt hell out of my home is my victory.

Mum/ Dad,

You both are too kind…just plainly super duper tripper kipler kind-soft-hearted. That heart you had will tear you down. Mum, please stop crying. I know you can’t bear it till you call me like 6 7 times a day. I wish I was by your side too. Your burden, worries and tears weighing me as I know you are definitely not feeling well right now. So do with dad, but his silence hiding his thoughts. Mum, dad, look at me and Bek, we are your kids too, and we haven’t have a family other than you two. If… if something-I-couldn’t-imagine-nor say happen, what about us? Thanks anyway for letting me campur tangan this time and even letting me do (instead or listening all this while) something to resolve this conflict. Somehow, I don’t know either this is the right time or not for giving me this big responsible as I am totally depress, burden, resent about this task. Since Sunday, I’m having tears too mum. Every second is like I’m on the edge of Everest. Sooooo tense!

To encik,

I’m sorry about the chat that leads to your miserableness. I’m sorry, really. You are right; I should’ve asked first instead of accused you like that. I don’t know (I barely know myself either) whether this is my actual attitude now (I told you that my friend told me that I changed kan) or temporarily being like this (do hope you get it cause it told you that evening that I am not ‘normal’, I’m having that ‘that’). Could you please consider the situation I have that night (that I’m having that ‘that’)? It’s just 10% of pressure I have I shared with you cause you seem not interested to know more. Sorry, I have to say that you didn’t listen well selama ni. Well, I don’t blame that as it is your nature, you are a man anyway. Man values achievement while woman value emotional. Remember this, no matter what it is, I am a girl (not yet a woman), please don’t expect me to be tough like man. And I am not perfect, obviously. I apologized to you so many times. I want to do anything that will help you to back to normal since I know you have lots of undone assignments. But you didn’t let me know it. I can’t turn back time for me to pull that accusation (which I think you yourself lead me toward the misunderstanding) so that you are in peace right now. Then the rest, I guess you can’t get out of your cave sebab you don’t forgive people easily, including me. I can’t change that or plan to change you. Never! It is who you are, tepuk dada tanya selera la pak cik.

Friend,

It settled already anyway. Just some sweet advice, we have grown up, than act, accept, think, and believe like one. I can’t pamper you anymore. I’m telling the truth anyway. In the future, once you go out of this comfortable zone, you definitely will face such condition that you can’t sulk like that anymore. All the best anyway.

FYP,

There are no way out. Have to go through this. Reading 1st journal, I’m still ok, when 2nd ended, my head spinning already, in the middle of the 3rd, I was vomiting, 4th I guess I will faint and 5th, ???

Body,

Headache, thanks for coming today, and you know I have my FYP meeting tomorrow (today already). And to you too fever. Oh ‘stomache’, you might be the reason I meroyan that night. So painful till I guling-guling. Oh, I never want to have this sort of pain again, God please take it away from me. Please don’t let me have it next month or next next month and forever la.

Ok, talked to much already. Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuu… Can i have my happiness back?

Nota kaki: Don't try to escape from pain, but don't let it define you, either. Instead, walk through the pain with God and use what you learn to encourage other people who are in pain

Number our days aright

2011-02-15T13:16:00.002+08:00

Today is a public holiday (yay!). Bundles of minutes for me to finish my to-do-list, yet up until noon, nothing done yet. Nothing, nadaaa!

One word. Procrastination.

So often we look up and time has passed us by. The things we promised ourselves we'd accomplish and the deeds we told others we'd do get left undone. Before we know it, days have become weeks, and weeks months, and months years. We find ourselves unable to do what we once assumed we could do any time we want.

I've been try so many method to encourage myself doing to-dos. Just shout it; fix timetable. word of inspiration on the wall. Alarms. Phone reminder, PC reminder and even a friend as reminder. Fail or success for a while. Oh how undetermined of me. So i throw my hand up in the air and ask the Spirit of God to help me see and seize the opportunities the Lord places in my path.

Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom

Father, I confess that so often I leave undone what needs to be done. Please help me see your plans in each of my days and live in a way which not only honors you, but also blesses people around me. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Love: noun to verb

2011-02-15T00:32:00.003+08:00

I’m almost miss the Valentine! Oh no! Daily boring routine made me forget that today is valentine’s day. I did remember it, after evening class but then forget about it again. Seems that the “meaning” of the day doesn’t affect my life much. Again and again this year. Well for me, it’s just another ordinary day. In religion aspect, it is not written in any phrase of Bible to celebrate valentine’s or so-called to appreciate St. Valentine and to have a day of love celebration. But It does mentioned that to love is a must.

With February being the “month of love” let’s discuss on it. Oh well, people have their own definition on love. And I’m gonna give mine (in different gender love case). I guess love has to move from being a noun to being a verb. Immature love is a noun. A thing we long for. A feeling. An expectation of what someone will do for us. Mature love is verb. An action we take. A decision. A choice to do something for someone else.

Love as a noun feels despair when you no longer feel “in love” with the person you being with. Love as a verb understands the ebb and flow of feelings. It focuses more on expressing love than feeling love.
Love as a noun demands its own way. Love as a verb works to understand differences and is open to new ways of doing things.
Love as a noun finds faults in others. Love as a verb gives grace and forgiveness.
Love as a noun expects others to serve them. Love as a verb serves freely.
Love as a noun expects to always feel warm and fuzzy and “in love.” Love as a verb realizes that often we have to choose to love even when we don’t feel like it.

Let’s just see the illustration in our life; “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became an adult, I put childish ways behind me.” So love has to grow up. It has to mature. Siapa sangka that grammar could reveal so much about love kan?

(ok da nak part yg not-so-important-can-skip-it) Last week have been an argumentative week for me. Even had the grapple and bellicose nights (more than 1 night ok). One moment I felt like giving up and feel like the other party is stranger or me being strange to them. Then I look back, review myself and the situation. Not saying that I improved anywhere but hoping for a better of me. Or them. Well, I am reading 'Men are from Mars, women are from Venus'. How is wish my Mr. Elephant reading it too, huhu.

Note:
Written above is a theory (neurons outcome) but I am writing them with love. And i plan to post this on 14th Feb, but utipi LAN is like siput babi yg pencat sbb dipijak oleh ann masa membeli ais krim bersama kawan perempuan (note that!) jam 10pm td. shuwitttt kan ktorg smbut valentine mcm ni :D

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

MONKEY eating TIGER @.@

2011-02-13T00:22:00.002+08:00

It started with the picnic that me and my beautiful friends, (they are roommate, housemate and state-mate and batch-mate) had this morning. An enjoy day out. Until THE EYES WITHNESSED MONKEY EATING TIGER. Okay, it’s for real.

A small monkey, typical Malaysian ordinary color (you can even see it behind UTP Chancellor hall) came from I don’t-know-where and approaching our BBQ venue, pause, and he/she (do not sure about the gender), U-turned and as its eyes saw a tiger at the back and fought it. Fought, snatch, hit struggling, pusing2, kicking etc. etc. to win the war. At 1st we also yelling like huarrrgggghhh and shouting aaaaaaaarrrggghhh but that small little monkey just ignore our voices as well as the tiger’s roar. So we gave up and watching the scene. And guess what, the monkey won, over a reddish fierce faced tiger.

What an irony when it comes to the typical of it - this mean a lot ok. Well, as our human life. My mum always taught me about an idiom in Iban, or we called it jaku silup, which said “baka pipit ka nelan embawang” (hmm please correct my spelling if got wrong anywhere cause I didn’t learn Iban language up till now and well, Iban spelling is quite weird, nope, unique).

I don’t know the direct translation but let say it as this, jangan mimpi menjuluk bulan di langit kalau galah panjang sejengkal. Anyway I made the translation on my own; please do not do this in ur homework, kids. So what’s the point here?

Is it wrong for monkey to win over a tiger?

Is it wrong to have dream?

BIG dream?

Will it be easy just to have short ability?

But for me, again I said, for me (my POV-which be careful as I might show off about myself huahuahua), I’d rather answer it like this;

It’s a reverse of nature but wow...what a wonderful phenomenon, shouldn’t miss it. I guess Discovery or NatGeo also never discover this

Absolutely no!

Big dream, small hope. Well hope is among the greatest need to mankind but beware of it as it will it is the 1st step toward disappointment. And disappointment, don’t just blame it to somebody as it might come inner self due to failure of your desire which is ur dream. Can see the loop there?

I will say YES. But of course you can elongate your potential. Don't just dream. Dig for it. Put your desires into motion not just thought. Act. Be bold and courageous. Remember that YOU are the instrument of change, the mechanism that with all your capacity will see new things unfold as you put thought into action. Anything is possible. Ceeee… now I can kalahkan great motivator, ala-ala Fadzillah Kamsah dah. Hoho.

In real life, (ok da nak part yg not-so-important-can-skip-it), I had dreamsss, my friends do, my family does and everyone should be. This is about my dad, he had dream of his children. Being an Iban and lives in longhouse in the rural area, he did suffer a lot in life. So he decided not to let any of his kids to go through the same pain. I remembered the most when he said, “my father let me start with zero, the struggle is extremely … (ineffable), so I want my kid to have some numbers, at least not zero cause I don’t want them to bare the same pain as mine, but let them not forget about 'the zero’ in anyway.” Will keep that in mind dad. Now I can say that he is a succeeded in his area. Many of us, especially those running small businesses, know how to plan and act. As per my dad he makes lists, chase funding, gather people, and he buried himself endlessly in the avalanche of sources. He is, in fact, the marathon runners of action. In the end, by their fruits you will know them. And the starter is just a dream. (writing this part make me homesick pulak)

Oklah, miss writer nak mengundur diri dulu. Eh, oppsss… the truth is, that tiger is a biscuit named “Tiger” with red cover. Spot the ‘reddish’ description about tiger above? Are there any red tiger, for real? Hehehe. Chalo babeh!

p/s:We have a wonderful world that is full of beauty, light and promise

BIG Hello...

2011-02-11T18:32:00.001+08:00

Well, I don’t know what make me want to start blogging again (may be the date? 11.2.11, nice huh), but I guess the comeback is something indifferent compare to before (well this blog has been undergo reconstruction for so many time already. Peace!).

In short, let’s talk generally.

and.. ponder this:

So many unmet needs exist that it can all seem overwhelming. But it's not naïve to think that you can make a significant and lasting difference for the better.